


Castle of Glass

by SunriseAshes



Category: Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-29
Updated: 2012-08-19
Packaged: 2017-11-10 23:46:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 31,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/472064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunriseAshes/pseuds/SunriseAshes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world shifted for Rose when Dimitri abandoned her for better prospects. She is left alone to fend off a madness that is spreading from within. With no-one watching her back, Rose soon finds the world she lives in is a cruel place. When the pair are reunited years later, it will take more than an apology to set things straight.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. October & April

**One** : October & April ****

“Like light and dark, worlds apart; This fatal love was like poison right from the start.”

_The Rasmus ****_

* * *

The sun disappeared with reluctance, sending out the last of its rays from beyond the mountainous horizon. The consequential shade of blue wasn't quite the shade I was used to living under, but it was beautiful in a bleak sort of way. I watched as the light from the sun watered down the inky darkness of the night, hues of orange and red layering atop each other as the world turned away another day. I hadn't realised how much I missed daylight, but there it was. There were a number of other issues buried deep inside my chest that I never dealt with, hence the reason for my early morning jog. The distraction clearly hadn't worked though. My thoughts were still managing to rapidly race towards no go areas.

As much as I hated to admit it, I was falling apart. That hadn't been the idea. I had come out here to try and pull the pieces of myself together. I was finding it increasingly harder to keep reality in check, not surprising since Spokane. Another reminder of my foolish choices awaited wherever I looked, immediately followed by a burst of guilt that would clench around my throat. It was hard to move on.

All my life I had dreamed of the day I would be able to kill Strigoi with my very own stake. That dream was tainted with the cruel reality of loss and blood and vulnerability. That dream had disappeared to be replaced with nightmares, memories that forced their way to the front of my mind when I was sleeping. It took a lot to keep from screaming out, the only person who really understood being Lissa, who struggled with darkness daily. She managed to keep me from walking over the edge by just existing. Knowing that she depended upon me to protect her eased the guilt I was nursing. It wasn't undeserved. I had caused the murder of my best friend, scarred the minds of others caught up in my stupidity and betrayed somebody who I had never wanted to disappoint.

I slid down from the tree I had been hiding in, crashing back into the present as my feet touched the ground. My knees almost gave way as I straightened up, grabbing my kit bag on route up. It was less than I deserved, my new mantra. There would be no sympathy where I was headed: towards the training room. As I weaved through trees the moon grew in strength, lighting the melting snow and my way out the forest. I strode with strength and purpose, struggling to put my mask back in place. I needed to be ready to face my mentor and heartbreaker.

Dimitri leant against the doorway of the gym as I approached, his eyes closed as the last of the sun warmed his face. I paused a few feet away, watching his hair skim his shoulders in the wind. He didn't usually wear it down and I was mesmerised by the way it made him look older, more ethereal. Stubble darkened his face where he hadn't shaven and there was a rough edge to the way he was dressed. He had his brown duster on, which is when the alarm bells started ringing in my head. He didn't look dressed for training. He looked dressed for long haul journeying.

"Roza?" He opened his eyes slowly and my heart froze in my chest as his intense gaze grazed my face slowly. He never called me  _Roza_ , not unless he was getting ready to unleash an emotional turmoil on me. I knew I wasn't as ready to take a hit as I'd let myself believe and waited quietly for the blow to descend. I tried not to look directly into his eyes, no matter how much I longed to find reassurance, instead concentrating on skimming the snow with the tip of my boot. The wait was excruciating. "Are you alright, Rose?" he finally asked, his voice brimming with concern as he finished surveying me. I tensed when he moved towards me with sudden intent, pulling me closer.

"You're leaving." There were only two ways those words could have come out: sad and defeated, or cold and closed-off. I wasn't about to fold in front of him now, so I let my words slide through him like blades. He wasn't the only one they hurt, though he dropped my arms like they were burning him. "You've finally decided to leave with Tasha, haven't you?" I added bitterly, more ferocity slipping out. I had been feeling a lot of crap things lately, had been beating myself up about a lot of things too, now all of the emotions I'd ignored were about to be released onto the one person I had been purposely hiding them from.

 _Nice one Rose_ , was all I thought.

"Yes." It looked like today was fit for one word answers only. We both stood deep in the snow, staring at each other with accusations in our eyes. I didn't want to be hostile, but neither would I collapse at his feet in tears either. He was the only person to see who I really was, the only person who could get inside my head and entice out my vulnerability, something I hated and loved him for at the same time. That hadn't been enough though and now he was leaving. "I will be leaving with Lady Ozera in a few minutes."

"I should have know," I spat back. "You probably had your eye out for an older woman this whole time. Somebody to take care of you as much as you'll take care of her. That or you knocked her – " The wind was forced out of my lungs as a hand smacked into my face, throwing me into the snow. My eyes stung and not just from the slap. My hands grazed the asphalt beneath the ice, tearing skin as I fell away from Dimitri. I didn't move for a whole minute, trying to steady my breathing. It was harder to lock my emotions away this time, especially as Dimitri whispered rushed words of Russian, apologies and regrets breezing past my ear as he lifted me back to my feet.

"Roza, Roza, Roza," he repeated and that was his mantra, his apology. He guided me nearer to the gymnasium, the shadow of the building hiding us from seeing eyes. His hand brushed my hair back from my face, revealing the tears that shone on my flushed cheeks. He traced the path of my last tear, catching it before it fell from my chin. "Never say that Rose. Never. It's not like that at all. It's complicated."

"That's what all the great womanizers say when they're finished with their latest toy." I turned away, heart hammering from the limited space between mine and Dimitri's bodies. At the same time another part of me died, knowing it would be the last time we would have close contact like this. In fact, it would be the last time I had any contact with Dimitri at all. A whimper of grief caught in my throat.

"Rose!" Dimtiri said in alarm. "Did I hurt you?"

 _Yes_ , I screamed at him mentally,  _you just broke my heart. Smashed it, destroyed it. Now you're leaving with its remains._  Out loud I said nothing at all, just staring up at him with the knowledge of what I had to do. I hated myself more in that moment than I ever had before.

"You have places to be, Guardian Belikov," I said as coldly as I could. It came smoothly, the anger I always internalised towards myself switching over to him easily. Those words ever raised more anger, this time for myself and the way in which I was betraying him. Dimitri's dark eyes hardened and I found myself without his form pressed against me. I missed it almost immediately, but I didn't stop him from moving away.

"You're right Rose; I do have other places to be. I have other people to be with." Ouch, my gut twisted viciously as I swallowed his words like ice cold water. "I don't have time for your immature ways anymore. I have tried my hardest to work with you and your incompetence, but there seems to be no noticeable improvement. While you have made progress with your physical and academic skills, you still have a trying attitude that will always be your undoing. I am no longer your mentor. You no longer require a mentor."

I raised my head slowly, letting the words bury deep within the chasm my heart had become. I no longer knew what was going on. One minute he had acted like he loved me, now he was slamming the door shut in my face. I couldn't help but be wounded by the callous way he spoke of the little things that made me who I was. I tried to find something to retort with, something sarcastic and witty, but the attitude he so despaired at had somehow died with his affection for me. Ironic.

"I understand, Guardian Belikov. We all have our duties to attend to as guardians. I'll continue training from where you have left off. I'll still put the extra hours in. I don't give up so easily. I hope that you and Lady Ozera have a safe journey." The indifferent words slipped out before I could stop them, effectively stopping the angry, childish tears that were threatening to fall again. All I could hear ringing in my head were the words  _he's leaving_ , but I managed to pretend they were lies.

If there had been more time I would have tried to commit his face to my memory, but there wasn't and I didn't want to remember him with an anguished expression on his face. I wasn't even sure I wanted to remember him at all. He had just made me feel worthless. The end.

"Dimitri?" Another voice put an end to our glaring contest. Tasha Ozera walked into view, an apologetic expression on her face as she registered our stances. She walked over to Dimitri quickly, placing a hand on his forearm. "The car is here, Dimitri. We need to leave soon if we are to get to the landing strip in time." She looked at me. "Sorry to interrupt, Rose." There was no sincerity in her voice. I smiled back as warmly as I could manage.

"There's no need to apologise. We're done here. You have an important campaign ahead of you and I can only hope that it goes well. Dimitri will be a great asset," I answered robotically, turning my gaze away from Dimitri. "I'll see you, comrade."

The walk into the training hall seemed longer than it should have been. I kept Dimitri and Tasha Ozera firmly behind me, letting the door fall shut on them before I allowed any lapse in control. When it had closed completely I fell forwards onto a punching bag, hands curled into fists as I ploughed all my energy into knocking the bag around. Animalistic cries of grief matched the lunges pace for pace. I wasn't surprised to find my face slick with tears. I had effectively lost the second from last good thing in my life. At this rate I'd be alone by the end of the week.

I kept fighting until I could no longer stand up. I fell down onto the crash mat with heavy breaths, my chest rising and falling rapidly. I gently touched my cheeks as I lay, the places where the tears had dried stinging. I decided there would be no more crying. To make sure I had a fighting chance I needed to make sure that my weaknesses never showed. That also meant rebuilding myself, but that was an impossible task for another day. Right now the clock on the wall showed that I had an hour until classes started. I hardly cared about my lessons today. I mean, why should I care about anything at all? But there, always at the back of my mind, was a ticking. The sense of  _other_ , that there was somebody else out there, just out of reach. Lissa. There was at least one reason to pull through.

Almost as soon as I thought her name, a twinge of desolation prickled through my mind, alien and foreign. It was a reminder that I wasn't the only person at wits end. I sat up, letting the bond between Lissa and myself widen until I got her whole perspective. Panic shot through me when I realised just how dark Lissa's mood was. I hadn't noticed before now, too wrapped up in my own pain, but Lissa was contemplating coping methods I thought she'd put behind her. I pulled out of her mind quickly, knowing I needed to head to her dormitory now.

I almost did, until I sensed Lissa's mood change. Christian was there. Frustration replaced concern. Christian wasn't supposed to be the one who turned Lissa's mood around. It was supposed to be me. I was her best friend. That wasn't the only source of my agitation. Once again Lissa had something I'd had to sacrifice: a love life. She had Christian and I had nobody. I was crying alone in the gymnasium and she was being comforted by the boy she adored. I was a dhampir and she was a Moroi. I pushed myself onto my feet and flung my kit bag onto my back. I was alone in the world again.

Snow had begun to fall covering all traces of Dimitri up. It was as if he had never been here at all. I willed my memories to do the same, cover all traces of that damn Russian up so that he might never have existed, but it was no good. I gritted my teeth and trudged through the white blanket, planning on heading back to my room to grab a shower. What I didn't expect was for a snowball to hurtle into my face.

Spluttering and coughing, I spun around to find a laughing, roughish face inches from mine. I backed away in surprise, slipping on ice hidden beneath the snow. A hand steadied me, stopping me from falling too far. I glared at the newcomer, not appreciating his help at all.

"Adrian Ivashkov, what in God's name are you doing here?"

"Here as in the academy or here as in the existential reasoning and questions concerning the meaning of life?" he asked with genuine sincerity. "It's hard to know where to start. The debate over life is so long and tedious. Hey!"

I had turned to walk off when Adrian had started rambling. He hurried to keep up with me, his longer strides enabling him to catch me pretty quickly. I was still fuming over the thought he had managed to sneak up on me, and the melting ice in my hair reminded me that he had lobbed snow in my face. I was in no mood for his flirtations. Adrian seemed not to notice my foul mood. More likely he had noticed and was ignoring it.

"I'm here at the academy to learn to master Spirit alongside Princess Dragomir. Is that good enough for you?" he asked politely.

"It's a start, though it doesn't explain why you're hovering around me," I retorted spitefully. "I'll repeat my question once more; why are you following me around like a lost puppy? I'm not in the mood for visitors."

"I saw Belikov and Ozera sneak off together and thought of you," Adrian answered with cruel honesty.

I stopped dead in my tracks. Adrian appeared to expect my sudden reaction and had stopped alongside me. We stared at each other for a long, hard minute. His piercing gaze seemed to go right through me, a dark look of understanding passing over his face. Feeling uncomfortable I ducked out of his eyeline. He smirked, tugging a cigarette free from his pocket. I was half-tempted to join him but continued walking ahead, carving a path for the both of us.

Adrian didn't give up his pursuit. I could feel his eyes boring into the back of my head as if he could somehow read my thoughts. I went to turn around to make a snide comment about him taking up a career in clairvoyance when I collided with some invisible force. Or I thought I had. I had come up short, my left foot dangling over the snow, waiting to be put down. I shook my head, but then I realised Lissa's distress had climbed up tenfold, the reason I had stopped moving at all.

She was screaming at Christian. I could get a sense of deep rage, an anger that was didn't belong to her. Her emotions flowed into me and back out again, a continuous loop that was dizzying and suffocating. I had lost all sense of my own self. My hands met snow for the second time in so many hours. The cold clarity bit through me and I instinctively tried to pull out of Lissa's head.

I got one last glimpse of Christian's shocked face, then I was lying flat on my own back Adrian staring down at me in horror. I fumbled around my own thoughts, searching for Lissa's mood amongst my own fear. It was there, pressing on both our minds. I felt guilty that I hadn't gone to Lissa. I had let jealousy come between us and now she needed me more than ever. Gritting my teeth in frustration I willed myself to be of some use. Maybe I could send support through to her. Maybe she would know I was here for her.

 _I'm so sorry Liss_.

"Rose!" Adrian's horrified voice broke through my internal monologue.

I opened my mouth to retort, then shut it as something slammed into me. Despair. Hopelessness. Why bother getting up from here? There was nothing left for me now. There was nothing to aspire for. I wasn't going to get a good assignment when I graduated. I wouldn't get anything at all. I couldn't even have a relationship. Immediately following the self-pity came fury. I slapped Adrian's hand away as he went to help me up.

"Stay away from me Ivashkov," I hissed through gritted teeth. He recoiled at that, his eyes lingering on something I couldn't see. I didn't bother waiting to find out what it was.

Today had been crap enough. Now I needed to hit things again.


	2. The Little Things Give You Away

**Two** : The Little Things Give You Away ****

“All you ever wanted was someone to truly look up to you; And six feet underground now I do.”

_Linkin Park ****_

* * *

On an average day being in Lissa's head was a total pain in the ass. It wasn't because I disliked being with or near her. Of everything it was the complete loss of my own identity I despised. It was the way that the pull of Spirit between us could become too strong and trap me inside Lissa's mind and body. Plus, being in Lissa's head came with the added horror of long make-out sessions with Christian. So yeah, on the average day I would actively avoid the bond between us.

Today wasn't an average day though. I wanted to be in anybody's head but mine, even if that meant being an unwilling spectator in Lissa and Christian's relationship. I would do anything if it meant getting away from the crappy mess that my head had become. The whole damn situation was made worse by the fact the school population had shone a spotlight onto my pathetic existence, whispering loudly whenever I walked past or gaping at me outright as I tried to get to my lessons unnoticed. They had gotten increasingly brave and arrogant as of late.

Right now they weren't bothering with the whispering farce at all, talking loudly as I tried to carve out a path through their cliques. Moroi and dhampirs alike were taking odds and speculating about what outrageous scene I would cause next. I balled my hands up into fists to control my temper as I attempted to make my way to Mason's memorial service unhindered. I was already going to have enough trouble biting my tongue through the public schmooze; I didn't need students younger than me saying loudly that I was "unhinged." If they all didn't shut it they'd see just how unhinged I was.

Mason's memorial service. The thought made my stomach clench. Today would be about remembering what a good little student he was, always trying hard and doing best by others. There would be no details of his death. There would be no mention of my role in that. It would be public and every word perfectly planned. The private service would follow tomorrow. I was going to do my damned hardest to get into that service. It would be the one with truth. As it currently stood, I wasn't sure if they would even let me get within fifty foot of the service. I didn't care. I was unhinged. Anything could happen tomorrow. For that matter, anything could happen today.

I reached the hall where the ceremony would commence and immediately started looking for Lissa. I found her near the front, beckoning to me frantically. I knew without prying into her mind that she was concerned about me. Well, she was more concerned about the annoying jerks that were pushing into the room around me, faces plastered with smirks and smug expressions. She could tell we were fast approaching the Rose Hathaway punch-a-thon if I didn't get out of their reach anytime soon. I knew and Lissa knew, so I rushed towards her, propelled by my anger. I would do anything to make this ordeal a little easier.

"How was it Rose?" Lissa's voice acted like a cold shower, cooling my increasing rage as I settled down into the chair to her left. Christian's self-assured smirk emerged from around her right shoulder as he waited for my answer. The reminder he was always hanging around like a bad odour threatened to bring my temper back. A number of curses came to mind, all of which Lissa remained oblivious to. She couldn't read my mind the same way I could read hers, otherwise all hell would have broken loose already. "It'll be alright," Lissa continued in a soothing voice.

"Sure it will, if you count smarmy Moroi whispering loudly about my  _slip-up_  costing Mason his life or, better yet, dhampirs thinking that the whole situation was an impressive feat by Rose Hathway as  _alright_. I don't. I think  _alright_  is beyond me right now." I crossed my arms over my chest with more force than necessary, almost winding myself in the process. "I'm not a hero who deserves to be worshipped. I'm sick of younger dhampirs asking me for tips. I'm tired of older dhampirs asking if I'm gonna get my  _molnija_  marks in front of the school. I'm fed up of Moroi students wondering if I'm gonna give a speech today. The next person to ask me  _any_  question won't live to see tomorrow."

"There it is, the Rose-fire we've all been missing so sorely these last few days," said Christian sardonically. I narrowed my eyes in warning but he carried on, ignoring my anger. "I was beginning to think you'd lost your awesome wit and sarcasm, which would have been such a shame? I mean, what else would you use to push people away with? How else would you attack everyone in the school and get away with it?"

For the first time in a long time, I didn't reply. It wasn't like me to ignore Christian's snide remarks, but I knew that if I reacted then I would go all out and say something out of proportion that I would regret. There was a darkness to my mood that I didn't like, warning me that it was a matter of time before I did something I'd regret. I wasn't a complete bitch. Christian meant a lot to Lissa and I wasn't about to be accountable for the hurt that would come from a petty retort. I would just hold my tongue and hope my mood would improve.

I glanced at Lissa and the look she gave me said it all. I had confused her with my reaction, which in turn had sent a flurry of concern throughout her mind. I smiled as widely as I could manage, quickly turning to face the front to avoid my own confusion. A few minutes later, Kirova arrived and stepped up onto the platform at the front of the room. Silence fell across the hall.

"Good morning to all of our students. I would like to begin this ceremony by formally welcoming the guests staying at the Academy, which includes the guardians who assisted in the search for our missing students in Spokane." Kirova inclined her head towards the back of the room where the important Moroi and their guardians were grouped. It was easy to tell which guardians had been the ones to lead the search in Spokane; their eyes were bleak. A whisper broke out across the hall, interrupted when Kirova resumed her speech. "We have all been touched by tragedy in the recent month, but instead of being held down we have all been motivated to come together and pool resources - " I snorted and Kirova glanced at me, never stopping her flow. " – so that we are better defended against the threat of Strigoi."

Her use of the word  _resources_  had annoyed me. I hated that dhampirs and guardians were referred to as  _resources_ , a tool to suit the means of the Moroi. Dhampirs sacrificed everything for the Moroi; they protected them 24/7, they gave up their own right to a life of their own, they accepted the role without complaint. If a dhampir ever decided to drop out of being a guardian to raise their own children then they were called a  _blood whore_. Dhampirs basically lived in a lose-lose situation where Moroi like Kirova forgot that dhampirs were people too. They had lives, friends and families; when they died, they were missed too. They weren't just _resources_. When I thought of Mason and of what he had lost, I felt a hopeless rage. He was another  _resource_ , all used up.

"It is with great tragedy and great shame that I announce the death of one of our fellow students, Mason Ashford, but we shall commemorate his life and celebrate all that he did. He died using the lessons he had been taught, he died trying to protect other Moroi from the recent Strigoi attacks. He died like a true dhampir and guardian - " This time my snort was much louder and harder to ignore. Kirova glowered at me, anger shining in her eyes because I had interrupted her service again. "Yes, Miss Hathaway? Do you have something to add?"

All eyes in the hall turned to me and I did the only thing I could think of, letting go of my restraint. "Yes, I do. May?" I asked, looking at the platform pointedly. Kirova opened and shut her mouth, trying to figure out what to do and looking shocked all the while, before reluctantly nodding at me. I stood up and walked over to the platform slowly, taking the steps with as much dignity as I could muster. I could feel the tension in the air as the school collectively held its breath. Rose Hathaway, at it again.

"My friend Mason Ashford was not a resource to be thrown at a growing problem," I began, glancing around at the guardians who stood to attention along the edges of the hall. "Mason was a person, a teenager who had already sworn to dedicate his life protecting Moroi without ever really living to the fullest. He made his choice after being taught the history of our races. He made the decision himself and should never be referred to as a  _resource_. No guardian should ever be referred to as a  _resource_." I swallowed, my throat suddenly tight as my defences crashed down to the ground. "Mason shouldn't have died and it was wrong of Headmistress Kirova to refer to his death as a  _true_  death. There is no such thing as a true death. It was a waste of life, a waste of a person and a damn shame. He was a teenager, he didn't know half of the things this world has to offer and he died – " I paused, tears trailing down my cheeks. They were tears of anger and shame. They were tears that shouldn't be falling so publically because I never, ever cry. I opened my mouth to finish my speech, but before I could cool hands were pulling at my arm and leading me down to my seat.

"Thank you for those words, Miss Hathaway," Kirova said briskly, trying to bring the attention back to her. I realised it had been Adrian who had gotten me away from the platform and the prying eyes of the other students. His own gaze was unusually soft and concerned. "You gave a very touching speech about your close friend. Now if I may resume my condolences and finish uninterrupted," Kirova swept a gaze across the room, almost challenging someone else to stand up and speak, but no-one else dared. "It was - "

I switched off and stopped listening to Kirova altogether as she continued her speech about death, grief and how we should all join together to make sure that nobody else died or got hurt. It contained all the usual protocol words, which had been said a thousand times over so that they meant nothing at all. By extension it was almost as if Mason had meant nothing at all. He had been another child solider, too prepared to lay down his life for the greater good of Moroi. I shook my head, not really understanding where all this cynicism and resentment had sprung from. Hadn't I sworn to protect Lissa from anything, even at the cost of my own life? I knew I wasn't taking back my word, but something had shifted in my worldview. It would never be won back.

"On a separate note," Kirova stated loudly, bringing to my attention the near close of the service. "It is with sadness and regret that I announce the departure of several members of our team of guardians: Elizabeth Munroe, Jacob Allwood and Dimitri Belikov will be leaving our Academy within a matter of days." My chest constricted tightly as Dimitri's name was read out. All I could think of was the cold way he had regarded me as he walked off with Tasha Ozera. "Replacement guardians will be arriving soon, but until that day please take extra care around the school. We are working to increase our security numbers for your benefit. You are free to leave."

A sudden rush began as all the students tried to leave the hall at the same time to make the most of their free day, but I stayed still in my seat. None of my friends had moved either and I gave them all grateful smiles. Affectionate concern flooded through my body from another source, Lissa easing the ache that had begun to creep back into my heart. She moved towards me, her smile sad as she bent to wipe the tears that trailed down my cheeks.

"I am so sorry Rose. I should never have suggested coming to this stupid memorial. You were right, it was all a farce," she whispered softly, her arms wrapping around my shoulders in a tight hug. I leant into her, grateful for the support she was providing. "Kirova just wanted to save face and look good in the light of adversary. I'm sorry that you had to stand up to defend Mason's memory. It was wrong. Kirova did a terrible job."

"It's not her fault. She just recited the beliefs of most Moroi. You don't need to apologise for that," I muttered. "I said what I had to. The way she kept talking about guardians and students being resources chilled me. It was like taking a cold shower. I'd never noticed the callous way they refer to dhampirs before now."

"Neither had I," Lissa agreed, standing up beside me as we made a move for the exit. "I'm gonna make it up to you. Why don't we have a girly day together, just you and me? We can watch a few movies, give each other make-overs and chat, the way we used to." Her eyes were alight and I could feel her excitement through the bond. It buzzed over to me, contagious and uplifting as we strode out of the hall.

"Are you sure that you can go a whole day without sucking Christian's face off? I have a feeling that the world might implode if you actually spend a day away from him," I teased lightly, ignoring the stares I was attracting as we walked through the school campus.

"Shut up Rose!" Lissa retorted, her cheeks going flame red. "I can go a day without Christian. We aren't married or anything. We just enjoy each other's company."

"You can stop right there, that is all I need to know. In fact, I already know too much. Let's leave the lovey-dovey stories for a day far into the future, 'kay?" I grinned, stretching out my arms. I felt considerably lighter at the prospect of pigging on junk food for a day, just like old times. If I tried hard enough, I could even pretend that nothing had changed and we were the same people. I could pretend that nothing bad had happened to any of us.

On the approach to the Moroi dorms, whispers started to reach me. Passing Moroi and dhampirs alike were shooting me pitying looks, some of them mixed with contempt. I didn't need to hear their words to know what they were talking about. Rose  _cried_. I didn't know why they were making it out to be a big deal, because it wasn't. At least, I tried to kid myself it wasn't a big deal, but it was. I felt my cheeks begin to turn pink like Lissa's head earlier. The security and privacy her room offered couldn't come quick enough.

"Did you see how Rose  _Hathaway_  cried at that memorial service? That tough blood whore isn't so badass now, is she? I mean, it was just a stupid boy who died. Guardians die all the time. Why are they making a big deal out of it? It's their job to die for us," I heard a Moroi boy mutter to his friend as they passed us. Blood rushed around my head as I stopped dead to glare at him. The rage that had been bubbling in my chest all day threatened to explode and now I had a target. Before anyone knew what was happening I had flung the boy up against a wall.

"Do you want to repeat that, except to my face this time?" I hissed darkly through clenched teeth. "Do you care to say it a little louder so the whole school can hear, or are you that much of a coward that you need to  _whisper_  it to your friend?" He trembled like a leaf as I drew closer to him, my forearm still pinning him against the wall by his throat.

"Rose!" Lissa cried in alarm. I felt her hand on my shoulder but I shrugged it off, tightening my hold on the wriggling Moroi. "Let him go, Rose! He's just another one of those idiots strutting around school. He isn't worth getting into trouble over." Panic increased in our bond, but it was like fuel to fire when it came into contact with my anger.

"If he didn't want any trouble then he shouldn't have started saying stupid things, like guardians are expendable. We dhampirs are not expendable." He squeaked as a brought a fist to his face, his eyes crossed as they tried to follow the movement of hand as I pulled it back. I was ready to knock that pretty boy smirk off his face for good.

"Rose," Lissa said quietly in a reasonable voice. I hesitated, letting my fist drop down to my side so I could turn to look at Lissa. "Let him go, Rose. You don't really want to hurt him." She was right. She was being reasonable. I didn't want to hurt him. Not hurting him didn't sound so bad. I could do that. "Come on Rose," she pushed. As I gazed into her green eyes I saw that she had a good point. Why bother with him? I let the arm pinning him to the wall drop down. The Moroi fell to the floor too, scrambling away from me backwards.

"You're freakin' insane, Hathaway. A fruitloop. You need to be locked away before you hurt somebody else," he shouted. I watched in a detached way as he and his friend ran as far from Lissa and myself as possible. When he had rounded a corner my head seemed to clear. I knew what Lissa had done. The guilt radiating through our bond gave me enough evidence to round my anger at her.

"What do you think you're doing using compulsion on me?" I demanded angrily. "Why'd you do it, Liss? What if those boys had realised what you were doing and told someone about it? You would have gotten in so much trouble," I continued when she didn't reply.

"Someone needed to stop you and you weren't going to help yourself. You clearly weren't thinking straight. I didn't want you to get into more trouble and if you had attacked that jerk, you would have. Kirova wouldn't forgive two slip-ups in one day," Lissa replied softly. "You haven't been yourself recently Rose," she added sadly. "You've changed."

"Everyone changes," I replied coldly. "It's a change for the better. I'll be a better guardian for it. If I work hard enough, I'll be your guardian."

"People might grow from their changes, Rose, but not you. You've moved backwards and it's not good for you. It wouldn't be good for anyone. You need to get back to the person that you were before all of these bad things happened. You need to start dating people and bring back the sarcasm. You need to be Rose Hathaway again, not this shadow-person. I need you to be my best friend again."

I couldn't reply to that. I had nothing to add. My throat was taunt and dry, tormented by what Lissa thought of me. She knew I had changed and she knew it wasn't for the better. She could see right through me to all the flaws I didn't want her to see. All I wanted was for her to stop worrying about me. That was wrong. I needed to be the one worrying about her. I let out a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"I can't go back to the person I was. I just can't, Liss. It's not possible and I won't promise it. I do think I can grow, though. I think I can continue to change into a better person. I just don't know where to begin, what with Dimitri - " My breath caught in my throat and Lissa frowned.

"I know. Did Dimitri mention leaving the Academy to you? I thought it was a bit sudden. Maybe he left with Tasha," she shrugged and that was the end of the matter for her. It always would be, because Dimitri had been nothing more than a guardian and a teacher to her.

I schooled my face into a neutral mask. "I guess, but I need to figure out what to do with my training now. It'll take time," I added, trying to push the thought of Dimitri away. "But I want to do it for you. I'll mature, you see if I don't."

Lissa smiled. "You still up for our girly day together then?" she asked, her eyes seeming all-knowing and mischievous at the same time.

I nodded. "Anything to get away from these idiots," I muttered under my breath. Lissa seemed to understand, her hand wrapping mine up tightly to remind me that she would stand by me through everything.

I needed that reassurance more than anything.


	3. Bleed Like Me

**Three** : Bleed Like Me ****

“You should see my scars; Try to comprehend that which you'll never comprehend.”

_Garbage ****_

* * *

The door rattled in the frame as I slammed it shut behind me. I didn't care. I didn't pause or give any attention to what was going on behind me. I was far too angry to be reasonable right now. Hell, they didn't deserve any reasonable behaviour from me. Nobody in the world right now deserved my understanding or forgiveness. I scattered piles of snow as I strode out of sight of the school buildings, generally kicking anything that got in my way.

"Rose!" Lissa's voice echoed to me from the chapel, concern ringing clearly in the single syllable. An unsaid command appeared too, having appeared in her mind at the same time she spoke. It was a simple ask: come back to me. I ignored it and continued to storm across the frozen campus. I had already decided I wouldn't return to the memorial service and there was nothing Lissa could do to change my mind.

The private funeral had left me feeling sick and tired. Instead of Kirova bleating about the grandeur of dying in battle it had been officials from the Court giving speeches about the necessary sacrifices of youth. That hadn't been the worst of it and now all I could focus on was running and hiding somewhere far away from other people. I was finished with playing pretend and I wouldn't let others see me in this state, not even Lissa. They could go hang themselves for all I cared.

It took a while longer than usual because of my highly strung mood, but I managed to block Lissa's pleas from my head. Outrunning her and Christian was the easy part; they had never been taught to run like I had. They had no need to. I started to pick up my pace, helped along by a buzz of adrenaline.

I hardly gave any thought to what I was running from as I moved. The effort of sprinting had washed my mind clean for the first time in days. My feet moved easily as they took me deeper into the forest, the trees thickening around me as the Academy buildings disappeared completely. There was comfort in the cold darkness. I could have run forever, but eventually a cabin materialised in front of me. With one last spurt of energy, I yanked the door open and secured it behind me, trying not to bring notice to my hiding place.

I had to admit that Tasha Ozera had done a good job with redecorating and furnishing this little cabin. I could give her credit for something trivial without betraying my integrity, but at the same time I was reminded of Dimitri. He had sat here in this very room. He had come to  _her_. This was probably the place where he had made his decision to leave. This was where he had escaped to when he wanted to get away from me. He had left me behind.

I knew that was the detail that hurt the most. He had abandoned me in the middle of the biggest crisis I had ever known. He had left me to pick up the pieces that the Spokane incident had created. I couldn't help believing things would have been easier if he had stayed. He could have protected me. He could have made the others see that I needed to be left alone. Instead he had used it as a springboard. He had gotten an opportunity to seize that life which would always elude me. He could create new memories while I was haunted by old ones. I was drowning in despair and I blamed him more than anyone else.

The fact he had left when the going got tough grated on me. If he couldn't face the broken person I had become, how would he ever have gotten our superiors to accept our love for each other? I had to come to terms with the idea that he hadn't really loved me at all. That stung. Worse still, I would never learn the truth. I would never search for the answers or knock on his door demanding them. I was much too proud for that. At the same time I didn't want to play the role of the jilted sweetheart. It was not me. I didn't do tears. I broke hearts.

The words were empty. I had found the one person who could read me like a book and make my heart flutter. Who was to say he couldn't turn me inside out and leave me weeping? The one person I had let in, really let in, and he had let me down. I couldn't pretend I was bulletproof anymore. I had to accept that recent events had shattered me. It wasn't just Dimitri, even the funeral had knocked me sideways with fresh grief.

It had been utterly painful from the start. I'd watched as Mason's mother and sister cried bitter tears, never once glancing at me or acknowledging my presence. I could imagine the thoughts in their head; why was I still alive while Mason lay in the frozen earth? I wished that I could offer them something more, but words failed me.

Then there were the Court representatives. My blood boiled at the thought of them turning up to Mason's funeral for the sole purpose of interrogating me. He hadn't even been buried two minutes before they started throwing questions at me and Christian. They had succeeded in poking holes and worrying still healing wounds. That had been the final straw. I had lost my temper and stormed out of the chapel without uttering a word to anyone. I knew that if I'd stayed a second longer, I would have turned violent. I wouldn't do that to Mason, not at his funeral. I had already caused enough damage.

The constant pain in my chest was enough to keep me tethered to my own reality. I wouldn't let myself slip back to Lissa's thoughts, even though it would be blissful to give myself over to someone else. I stayed in my head, staring out the window at the fresh snow that fell from the sky.

Everyone was watching me. No matter where I went, eyes were on me waiting for the moment I slipped up again. Lissa kept expecting me to explode and break down or break things. Half of me wanted to prove them wrong. The other half thought little of Tasha Ozera and her girly cabin, and would have smashed it up in a heartbeat if I let go of control. Raging until every last trace of Tasha Ozera and her guardian lover were gone sounded like a good idea for a new start. I didn't bother though. It would have brought no satisfaction. It would have just been another tie to the things I couldn't seem to let go of.

"Rose?" I didn't respond or move from the armchair I had settled into. I did try to sink lower into the seat so Lissa and Christian wouldn't notice me. No such luck. Lissa strode over to the fireplace and sat on the edge of a vacant chair, Christian right behind her. "Are you alright, Rose?"

"Just peachy," I mumbled in reply.

I didn't look at Lissa. I didn't want to see the concern in her eyes. It would just confirm that I was on the edge and the levee really would break. I didn't think I could put myself together again if the levee shattered; I just didn't have the energy anymore. For the most part I didn't want to be saved. I didn't want to get better. All I had was a bleak future, so what was the point in pulling together for  _that_. It was much easier to sink into this armchair and let the world carry on without me.

Christian flicked his hand towards the fireplace, which caused flames to burst skywards in the hearth. The warmth spread out into the room, slowly wrapping us all up with the heat. I didn't comment. I had preferred the bitter edge of the cold air before. I hadn't wanted friendly flames, much as I hadn't wanted friendly company. I wanted an environment to suit my mood. I wanted to brood.

"You know what; I can't believe the cheek of Tatiana! How could she send out representatives to enquire about Spokane so soon and at Mason's funeral too? She really should have waited until everything had settled down. You should have waited until you guys were ready to talk about it," Lissa grumbled angrily.

"Yeah right, because Tatiana is famed for her sympathetic nature. She is way more efficient than that. Why spare us the hurt?" Christian retorted with a bitter shrug. "It was a load of crap, thrown at us from an Ivashkov who doesn't give a damn about dhampirs, guardians or traitors. We had no hope of garnering a little sympathy from her. Hell, she couldn't even offer sympathy to the last Dragomir. She ripped into you publicly. We were lucky that she had a little more tact this time round, considering I'm a potential Strigoi and Rose is a liability."

"You really know how to make somebody feel better, Christian. Please go on. Tell me more about how I'm a  _liability_ ," I muttered sardonically as his rant petered out. I knew there were a thousand more implications hidden somewhere in his speech, but I also knew it was more truth than opinion. Together we were worthless and easily trodden on. I had known that for a while, but I was only just acknowledging it and its full implications.

"She's right, Christian," Lissa interjected, not looking at all happy with her boyfriend. It raised a smirk out of me, which she noticed. "A smiling reaction!" she cried in surprised joy.

"I wouldn't call it a smile," Christian retorted, although he smirked right back at me. "It's more of a grimace, which is so flattering. It brings out the colour of your eyes." By the end of his snide remark Christian was laughing loudly. I was tempted to throw a pillow at his face. It wouldn't be so bad to start my rampage with his pretty boy looks.

"Either way," Lissa quickly interrupted. "It's better than not smiling at all. Just ignore him Rose," she added when Christian didn't quit laughing. "He's just being an idiot."

"I'm glad to see that love hasn't damaged your perception," I replied, flashing Christian a large grin. "He is the biggest idiot in the world and I feel sorry for you. It must be hard work, putting up with his terrible jokes."

"It's a start, I suppose," Christian said lazily, getting up to stretch. "It's not your usual standard of sarcasm, but it's a start. Keep at it. You might be back up to my level in no time at all. Catch you later." He turned to Lissa, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek before he headed out of the cabin.

"Can I hurt him?" I asked Lissa darkly. "I really feel that it will help me on the road to recovery. It'll be conducive. I won't damage his face too much. I know that you like it, though God only knows why."

"He has a valid point, Rose." I would have been shocked by her statement if I hadn't already heard her thoughts echoing through our bond moments earlier. I kept a neutral expression on my face as I let her speak her mind. "You can't keep exploding at the little things that bother you. You need to stop keeping your emotions bottled up, because it means the irrelevant things can push you over the edge. It's just not healthy. You have to find an outlet for your feelings. Sometimes I wish I could see into your head too, just so I can figure out what really goes on in there."

"You already have a pretty good idea of what goes on inside my head, Lissa," I murmured softly. "If you can suss that out, then you don't need to be psychic. You're better than me because you know what's wrong without the help of the bond."

"You know who I am without the bond too. That's not the point. I'm just trying to say that you need to open up and talk about your feelings. Saying them aloud lets you see things in a new light. You'll get through this Rose, but you have to put some effort into it and now, not later. It gets harder to fix things the longer you leave them broken. I don't want to see a piece of you disappear every time I see you. I don't want to see you left behind as everyone else gets better." She stood up and I rose with her, letting her sweep me into a hug.

"Sure. I'll start with Alberta. I was planning on continuing with my training, I just need a guardian willing to put the time in with me. I'll have a chat with her in a minute." I glimpsed a worried look on Lissa's face and could feel how unsure she was through the bond. "There's no need to worry about me. I'll pull through. I need to as a guardian. There will be more of this to come in the future."

I knew that my words hadn't reassured her. I hadn't even made myself feel better, so how was I supposed to put Lissa at ease? All I could really do was try to make things better, for her and for myself.

~~......~~

The receptionist had informed me that Guardian Petrov was out patrolling the Academy's boundary lines. In one sense those lines were invisible, in another they were marked out by the powerful wards of Moroi magic. They needed to be monitored by guardians, especially since they were all that held the Strigoi back from attacking the school. I wasn't sure how the magic worked, except that the magic was alive and Strigoi were not, so they repelled one another. A lot of work went into protecting the boundary lines, from both dhampirs and Moroi who wielded the four elements: earth, fire, water and air.

I knew I could have put off my conversation with Alberta until classes restarted, but I needed to get it out of the way. I needed something to pour my focus into and if Alberta agreed to train me then I knew I would be working harder than I ever did with Dimitri. Part of the desire to resume extra training came from a childish impulse to show Dimitri what he had given up. I saw it as a kind of revenge. I might even become a better guardian than Dimitri, which would have been the icing on the cake.

As for the rest of me, it had decided that extra training was the way forward in recovery. I was frightened by my encounter with real Strigoi and I needed to get stronger so that they could never get the jump on me again. That was the human part of me crying out, and I couldn't ignore it.

I withdraw from my thoughts when I came across Alberta and Stan. Both were watching my approach. They were far away from the Academy, only a collection of trees offering shelter from the penetrating moonlight. I knew my presence out here was odd. Students weren't supposed to come this far out and with my past record I knew the guardians would be wary. I ignored Stan and headed straight for Alberta, who waved her companion away when it became apparent I wanted her attention.

"Rose," she said with an incline of her head. "What can I do you for? It must be pretty important if you couldn't wait for me to return to my office."

"It's a matter that's important to me and I hope you see it that way too," I replied evasively, wondering just exactly how she would take my offer. "I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've come to the conclusion that I needed a new mentor to help me continue with my extra training. I'd like to resume it as soon as possible and I thought that I'd ask you to take me on - "

"You didn't have to come all the way down here to ask that, Rose." Alberta looked exasperated, but then she caught my eye and realisation dawned on her face. With a shake of her head, she continued. "I hardly think that you need a mentor anymore, Rose. The only reason you were assigned to Guardian Belikov was to catch up to the other seniors. He did an excellent job with you and you've now surpassed the others. You just need to look a recent events to - " she let the sentence trail off unfinished, but I already knew what she was thinking.

"Just because I lucked out and managed to kill two  _Strigoi_  – " I choked on the word, swallowing it down as fast as I could. " – you're suggesting that I quit training. I'm not an expert guardian now who can slack off working hard. I'm still a student and I still need to get better. A good friend of mine died before my eyes. If I'd been better or faster or stronger than maybe he would still be alive. That's all I think about at night."

Alberta looked uncomfortable and opened her mouth to say something, but I raised my hand. She cut off her words and I breathed in deeply, before I carried one.

"If anything,  _recent_  events have taught me that I need to work harder than ever. I can't ever stop and I can't slack off. This is a job that needs continual attention paid to it. I need to be able to protect myself, my charge and my comrades. Maybe Guardian Belikov thinks I'm hard work. Maybe he thinks I have the wrong attitude, an  _unchangeable_  attitude, but I know that I can change. I  _want_  to change and I needed a little help with it."

Alberta sighed, unsure of what she should say. I glanced around the area we'd been walking along, become aware of a sense of unease that I'd been too distracted to notice before. I couldn't explain where it came from, but it felt immensely wrong. Something was off. I stopped and waited for the vague nausea to pass, so I could continue walking unbothered. This didn't go unseen by Alberta.

"Is there something wrong?" she asked, watching me as I pressed my hand to my stomach. It hurt, this nausea. It felt wrong. It didn't feel exactly like an illness, but it plagued me all the same.

"No. I feel a little bit off, but I guess that's just stress catching up with me." That sounded plausible. I knew it wasn't true, there was something else wrong with me, but I didn't want to be honest with myself. A sense of foreboding settled on my shoulders, and I couldn't shake it off. "Can you sense it?" I asked nervously, looking at the iron gates that towered high over us. "Can you feel it?"

"Feel what?" Alberta looked more concerned than ever. I'd never seen her worried about anything and she'd been a part of the Spokane rescue team. She had worn a perfect mask then, not letting anyone else see how scared she was, if she had even been afraid. I guess she must have been unnerved. It wasn't everyday you saw a seventeen-year-old slaughter two grown Strigoi in a frenzied rage.

"I can't explain exactly what it is, but it feels  _wrong_. There is something wrong here." That was the only word that came to mind and it didn't come close to summing up the magnitude of my gut feeling. I stepped closer to the gate, kneeling to look at the place where the iron met the earth. I couldn't sense the magical ward because I was a dhampir, not a Moroi, yet I felt like it was missing or further away than it was supposed to be. "Are the wards up?" I asked in confusion.

"Yes. The wards are redone every four days. This is a big area to cover and the wards need to be maintained. They die out and fade like most magic. We check them with specialised Moroi every day to make sure that there are no chinks in the armour, so to speak. Everything is fine. They were checked this morning, at lunch and just after dinner." Her voice told me to back off and stop acting weird. If I wasn't careful I would find myself being whisked off to a mental health ward. A fitting end for Rose Hathaway or so most other people would think.

"It must be stress then," I said with more surety, pretending to be satisfied with what she had told me. "I better head back to my dorm before I'm caught outside after curfew." I turned away, but Alberta's voice spoke my name softly, stopping me dead in my tracks.

"I'll train with you Rose," she murmured. When I turned I found a sad expression on her face. It was pity. "I can't pretend to understand what you went through and what you saw. I'll never comprehend even half of it, but I know a little about the pain of the first battle. I killed my first Strigoi seven years after I graduated with the help of two other guardians. It haunted me for a long time. If you need something to help yourself get over the trauma then it is only right I offer it to you. I know how motivating making yourself better can be. I won't take that away from you and I won't stand in your way. Just promise me that you won't let the anger manifest in the form of revenge."

I looked at the older guardian, really looked at her, and saw concern instead of pity. She really felt concern over the things I had been through. Not just me though, she worried about the other dhampir kids and what they would see when they were older. The concern came with resignation; she knew that she couldn't stop any of this from happening. It was the world we lived in, our world. She could no more change it than I could. The least she could do was ease the burden that rested on another. I realised that she understood my needs more than she was willing to admit.

"Thank you, Guardian Petrov."

"I'll see you in the training room tomorrow morning, Rose. I'll resume your old programme, the one Guardian Belikov left behind. I would warn you not to slack off, but I have a feeling that you're the last person in the world I should be saying that to." She smiled at me and I smiled back, the first genuine one I had given in days. "Take care, Rose. Use those friends of yours to make sure your feelings are understood and aired. I think Eddie has a pretty good handle on what you are going through right now."

I tilted my head forward a little in a sign of comprehension. I slowly turned and made my way back to the hellhole that was the school and its occupants. The whole time I walked back I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong with the school wards. The foreboding feeling chased me all the way into my nightmares when I finally fell asleep.


	4. Hurricane

**Four** : Hurricane

“Do you really want me dead or alive to torture for my sins; Do you really want me dead or alive to live a lie?”

_30 Seconds to Mars ****_

* * *

 

Time is a slow healer or so I found. January bled into February, followed by the first signs of spring that signalled the approach of March. The classes for dhampirs gave way to our final assessment: actually guarding a Moroi student full time. The effort of shadowing another person 24/6 left little time or room for feelings, so I went around in a blissfully numb haze. I thought I was handling things pretty well, all things considered. I mean, I didn’t even kick up a fuss when I was assigned to Christian over Lissa. Alright, I _might_ have kicked off, but in a more mature and calm way. I didn’t even raise my voice, except for the one time I mentioned Christian by his name.

All of my energy was being expended into bettering my skills. If I didn’t, my mind would wander and if it did, my thoughts only got tangled on a dark mess that constantly swirled in the back of my psyche. A psyche that was gradually becoming more psycho. The darkness that had settled in after Mason’s death had seemed to swell in size since then, igniting a continuous rage I had to work to keep a hold on. The battle within was wearing me out.

Try as I might I couldn’t figure out where the sudden dark and morbid thoughts had sprung from. I constantly had extreme reactions to petty gossip or cheeky remarks.  It scared me, but I wouldn’t share my fears. All I could do was hold on tighter, push them down and hope that I wouldn’t slip in my control. I didn’t want anyone thinking I couldn’t handle my final assignment. I didn’t want anyone thinking I couldn’t handle killing Strigoi. I didn’t want to give anyone a reason to believe I couldn’t be a good guardian. Instead I handled my emotions the way I always had: physically.

“Rosemarie Hathaway!” Alberta shouted. Her words brought me up short. I had been running laps as per my usual wake-up routine, switching off to my surroundings so I could focus better. What I hadn’t realised was that I had outrun Alberta by a long shot. She came to a halt beside me, panting for breath. I waited patiently, not yet feeling the strain of the work-out. Her unimpressed expression told me I had done some seriously uncharacteristic exercise. “What is your rush? You’re not meant to be racing. You’re meant to be pacing,” she continued when she had caught her breath.

“I didn’t notice how fast I was running,” I replied with honesty. “Maybe your age is catching up with you,” I added with a quick grin. “It would make sense. Maybe you can’t run as fast as you used to.” Her frown cut me off and I wiped the smile from my face. “I guess not,” I muttered under my breath.

“Our teacher-student relationship has not changed, Miss Hathaway. Do not become over-familiar with me just because I am giving you training on a one-to-one basis. Do you understand?” Alberta asked. I knew she was only playing at being serious, but I didn’t push the matter. She had recently exploded at me and Eddie when Lissa and Christian had snuck out on our watch. I wasn’t ready to repeat that experience.

“I understand, Guardian Petrov,” I replied blandly.

Alberta shook her head and waved her hand at me. I was dismissed. Without another word I turned and jogged towards a familiar looking motley crew: Lissa, Christian and a certain Ivashkov. He had taken to following me around like a lost puppy. Some of the time he flirted with me in a never-ending stream. Less frequently he stared at me with a faraway look. I always felt unnerved whenever Adrian drifted out of focus. It felt like he was stripping my defences down so that he could see every lie I’d ever told and every truth I’d ever hidden.

“Hey Rose, thought we’d find you hiding down here.” Lissa gave me a warm smile as I reached them. “You’re really taking the coming exams seriously. I don’t think you’ve actually had a day-off in weeks. You spend all your free time training. Maybe you should slow down.”

“I’ll be slow when I’m dead,” I grinned back at Lissa, perfectly at ease in her presence. When I spent time with her, I always felt lighter. She had a way of sharing the burdens I hadn’t realised I’d been carrying. She was a true friend. “I need to secure my place as your kick-ass guardian, remember? I need to make sure you can never put another toe out of line again.” _And prove a certain Russian wrong_ , I added silently.

“I’m pretty sure that you’re already miles ahead of your peers, little dhampir. You don’t need to keep up this pretence. We already know the true reason you train so hard; it’s so you’ll win a spot in my heart with your tough girl façade.”Adrian ended his delusions with a whisper and a wink. I responded by rolling my eyes, thankful that Lissa was too busy chattering about her Sunday plans.

“We were thinking about going to watch a movie in my dorm later,” she said as Adrian- _Slimeball_ -Ivashkov sidled off. “Christian, Eddie and myself. You can come along too if you want, Adrian. We thought we would take advantage of a shared day off, since you and Eddie will be guarding us again tomorrow.”

Her good mood was contagious. She found the whole dhampir assignment hilarious on the basis it made her remember our days on the run. I knew the real reason she felt buoyant; she believed that I was leaving my grief behind. I wasn’t so sure. Some days the darkness felt more like rage and fury than pain, but other days it stole my breath away with its waves of anguish. I was no psychologist. I didn’t know what the hell was happening in my brain. The one thing I did know was that Lissa was happy again. That was enough for me and I would have done anything to keep it that way, even lie to her. My own happiness started and ended with hers.

“Sure thing,” I said. “I think I need to shower first though.”

“I’m glad you noticed,” Christian said dryly. “No offence Rose, but you stink. Have you ever heard of deodorant? I hear it does wonders for the pits.”

“That’s not what I heard, Christian,” I gasped with fake incredulity. “I heard it reduces your magnetism for the opposite sex and hides the beautiful appeal of body odour. You’ve clearly never indulged, so I must rid you of your ignorance. Come here!” I raced towards him.

The scramble lasted a moment and then I was perched on his back. Without warning I pushed my armpit into Christian’s face, letting him splutter indignantly. I let out a laugh, until the aroma of singed hair mixed into the air. I dropped to the floor immediately, crawling away from Christian until he stopped casting fire at my hair. “That was hilarious,” I muttered, running my hands through my hair to check for damage.

A furious Lissa rushed up to my side, turning to explode at Christian. “How could you be such a jerk!” she yelled and I stuck my tongue out at him triumphantly. “You burnt her cheek, you idiot.” Her cool fingers touched my face. It hurt for a moment, but then the touch became warm with the magic of spirit. A burst of euphoria cascaded through both of us as the healing came together and it felt _good_. It was pure and safe and _good_. It was better than hits of caffeine and sugar at the same time. A longing settled over me when it was gone, followed by a fast low that hit me hard like an iron fist.

At first the low seemed to fill Lissa. It was a consequence of using spirit’s power. Her mood was already tenuous, what with her anger at Christian’s immaturity. The bleak aftermath of using spirit was making it worse. Without thinking I put a hand on her wrist to reassure her. That was when the blow hit hard and my control slipped. Anger climbed up inside me quickly and furiously. There was only one target available.

I directed every bad feeling inside me toward Christian. He had burned me. How dare he set me alight? I could have been seriously hurt. Not only had he wounded me, he had upset Lissa. He had no regard for anyone but himself. These feelings bubbled across my skin like acid. It burned, but in a different way to physical flames. This went much deeper. Without warning my head snapped up and I glared at Christian. He stepped back in horror, although he wasn’t as horrified as Lissa. Her thoughts bombarded my mind.

“ _What is wrong Rose? You look murderous. Please stop staring at Christian like that. You’re scaring him and you’re scaring me._ ”

I did as she asked as unreasonably as I could, wheeling around so I was facing her. “Yes. Stop scaring Christian. It’s _always_ about Christian. You never bother to ask after me or tell people to get off _my_ case. You just spend more and more time with him. It’s a wonder you actually know how I feel anymore. Wait a minute; _do_ you actually know how I feel? I don’t think you do. I don’t think you realise what’s going on in my head or what I’m feeling. It’s all about Princess Vasilisa and her boyfriend. It’s all about the _last_ of the Dragomirs.”

The moment the words were out of my mouth I wanted to catch them all and shove them back in. Lissa’s eyes rapidly filled with tears. For the first time since we became bonded I couldn’t actually hear her thoughts. There was nothing happening in her mind. She was too shocked. Her hurt and my hurt clashed together until there was nothing else filling me. I could feel nothing.

“What the hell is wrong with you Hathaway?” Christian raged at me, shoving me aside roughly as the first tear escaped down Lissa’s cheek. “There’s something wrong with _you_ , Hathaway. You’re being a major bitch,” he hissed the last word. If he expected an answer, I couldn’t give him one. Nobody could, even Adrian having been silence by my uncharacteristic outburst.

“I don’t know,” I managed. “I’m so sorry, Lissa. I never meant it to sound that cruel,” I added, but my words fell on deaf ears. I had no idea where the slip in restraint had come from. We had been laughing. There had been the euphoria of spirit and then the sudden rage. I couldn’t place where it had come from. “Lissa, please listen to me.”

Christian pulled Lissa away from me. She went willingly, never once glancing back at me. Her mind remained empty. I wished I could reach in to her memories and wipe them clear of that outburst. With a sigh I watched the pair leave. This was the real world. I couldn’t make Lissa forget and my apologies would never be enough. I had to watch as Christian stepped up and protected Lissa the way I should have. I felt small and selfish, a real monster, because it wasn’t _what_ I had said that was the worst of it. It was _how_ I said it. The coldness in my voice had shocked even me.

“Rose?” Adrian whispered. He had walked up to my side without my noticing. I blinked away my angry tears. I didn’t want him to see me crying, but he had spotted my tears. He raised a hand to wipe a tear away, but I swiped his hand down. “What is up with you? This is beyond grief. This is something more damaging. You spoke with real contempt and it came too quickly to be spontaneous. I thought you were getting better. I thought you were on the road to recovery. If things are hard, please tell me. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

His kind tone angered me. I didn’t deserve his concern. I wanted him to shout at me. Hell, I wanted him to throw me down to the ground and kick me over and over. Violence was the best outlet for someone like me. He needed to realise that. Sarcasm dripped from my tongue as I spat retorts at him. “You thought wrong. I am not okay. I am a walking disaster. I’m screwed up, so screwed in the head that even I can’t figure out what’s going on in my head. Try and analyse that, Adrian. Let me know when you figure it out.”

I turned to stalk away from him, but he grabbed my wrist and held tight. I could have thrown him down to the ground, but something in his eyes stopped me dead in my tracks. He narrowed his eyes, pursing his lips as he contemplated what he was going to say next.

“I’ve been watching you.”

“You don’t even bother to try and make that sound less creepy, do you?” I bit back viciously.

He shrugged. “Call it what you will and I’ll call you a hypocrite. That’s not the point. I’ve noticed something about your aura. I think you need to hear this. Maybe you’ll wake up and take a look at yourself. You have the blackest aura I have ever seen. Actually, you aura is the only one that is without colour. Everyone else’s flickers and changes with their moods: red to blue to green for example. Yours just sucks the light and life from a room. It draws happiness towards it, then destroys it. I think it has something to do with your mood. I’m not sure exactly how it fits in, but I’ll figure it out.”

“Trying to save me, Ivashkov,” I sneered. “I think you’re too late. I don’t want to be saved.”

This time I successfully turned on my heel and stalked off towards the dhampir dormitories. He didn’t follow and that bothered me more than I was willing to admit. I had lied about not wanting to be saved. Adrian was one of those few people who constantly chased after me. Now even he had gotten fed up of that game. I had successfully pushed him away.

The conflictions tightened in my chest, rising up so that each breath was heavy and hard to come. I felt close to breaking down, my nerves stretched out thin. Was this all really down to the grief of losing Mason? I knew there was more to it. Maybe it was because Dimitri left, but no, I refused to accept that one man had caused this amount of damage. I felt full of fire. Maybe it was the combination of losing so many friends and coming to terms with killing a Strigoi for the first time.

I knew deep down that it wasn’t due to any of the things I had listed. Adrian was on the right track. I was afraid of where that might lead. I was also afraid that I would find out that there was no cure, no end to the torment. I couldn’t deal with the ifs and buts. I had to get back to reality and just keep myself occupied 24/7. It was easier to ignore everything that was happening around me if I kept busy. It was no good speculating at whatever force was bringing me down. It _had_ to be outside of myself, but how I was supposed to confront an unknown force?

A wave of crippling nausea suddenly crashed down through my body. I stopped dead, bending over with the agonising pain that was raking through my stomach. With a hand on the floor I glanced around, but there was nobody in this part of the campus. I cursed the damn day and the way it was going, climbing back to my feet as the pain subdued into a dull ache.

The only thing in the courtyard that looked remotely odd was a shed, and the only thing off about it was the way the door stood ajar. Normally all the sheds and cupboards in the Academy were locked shut to stop students from messing around with the maintenance tools. A drive to find the cause of my discomfort came over me and I strode over to the door. I hadn’t gone more than three feet when a figure caught my eye.

I was confused. A minute ago this yard had been completely empty. I hadn’t heard anyone approach. With a sigh I forgot about the shed and moved towards the shadow. When I looked at it, really looked at it, chills ran down my spine.

Mason stood there watching me.

He stood to the right of the shed and a voice in the back of my head told me that he had been patrolling it. I shook my head. How could Mason be guarding anything? He was dead. This had to be a hallucination caused by the nausea and pain. I shut my eyes and counted to ten, before checking the place where I had last seen him. He was still there, this time closer to me so that he blocked my way to the shed. I took a step forward to see if he would disappear, but he remained in the same place.

With a solemn expression, the ghost of Mason slowly shook his head from side-to-side. I frowned, understanding what he wanted me to do, but not understanding why. It was a warning. Why was he warning me?

“Mason?” I whispered, surprised by the tightness in my voice. I felt close to screaming or hyperventilating. “Is that really you? Are you really back at the Academy?”

He nodded. He still wore a mournful expression, his complexion translucent in the weak moonlight. Panic took over from fear as a crazy thought entered my head. What if Mason had come back for revenge? Maybe he had come back to avenge himself. What if I hadn’t grieved for long enough and had replaced him too quickly? The last thought made me sad. I would never forget him for as long as I lived.

I said as much out loud. “I haven’t forgotten about you Mason. I don’t think I could. I basically led you to your death. That has marked me,” I said in a reverent whisper. I wanted to reassure him, but I doubted there was anything I could say to make this better. “I feel guilty, Mason. I feel it every day. It’s the least I could do, after Spokane, but I have to move on too. You understand, don’t you?”

I caught myself short. I was talking aloud to nothing. I had lost my living friends so my mind had taken it upon itself to conjure up dead ones to comfort me. Still, there was a sense of relief that flooded through me when Mason accepted my apology. I wanted him to talk back to me. I wanted him to say something, even if I didn’t want to hear it. I knew it was crazy but I wanted to take comfort from hearing him talk to me for the last time.

Try as he might Mason couldn’t seem to talk or communicate with me in any vocal way. He could only nod or shake his head. I wanted to move nearer to see if he was solid, but the nausea hadn’t subsided and he still guarded the shed as though his life depended upon it. I knew that was ridiculous. He was already dead, but he refused to let me move closer. I had a feeling something nasty awaited me in that shed. Mason didn’t want me to see it.

“I’m sorry Mason, for getting you killed. It seems the only thing I’m good at is destroying other people,” the words spurted out of my mouth without permission. Ghost-Mason didn’t seem to notice. He just stared continuously over my shoulder. I saw nothing when I turned to see what he had been staring at. When I turned back to the shed, Mason was gone. I shuddered, sensing that something was different. I couldn’t figure it out. Feeling spooked, I walked away from the shed to my room.

It was only when I was safely in the shower that my mind figured out what had spooked me. The shed door had been shut when I had turned to face it where it had been open only seconds before.


	5. The Reckless and The Brave

**Five** : The Reckless and The Brave

“Little brat must be crazy; Never make it in our vicious little world.”

_All Time Low ****_

* * *

 

I knew there was no point in going over to Lissa’s dorm to watch a film anymore. I had pretty much offended each of the people who had invited me, so I threw a jacket on and headed outside for a walk. Other dhampirs bustled about, rushing to and from the Moroi dorms as they tried to figure out how to spend their day-off. I wondered at the way they had no cares or worries. They didn’t know what was out there. They were protected by their ignorance. I wasn’t so lucky.

There was no point in being bitter over it. I watched a group of Moroi giggle over some male dhampirs who were working out together, their faces flushed with excitement. Upon closer inspection I saw some of the Moroi were sporting cuts and bruises. Odd, considering Moroi had no need to fight. When an argument did start, they often settled it subtly with magic or gossip.

As soon as the Moroi were out of my sight, I forgot about their odd injuries. I needed solitude. I had calmed down since the ordeal, my irrational anger having faded somewhere between hallucinating and showering. Since I was losing my mind there was only one way to continue: alone. I almost felt proud of myself for coping as I followed the iron fence that ringed the Academy in a slow job. The new Rose had grown beyond recognition, acquiring a soft of selfless nature.

Halfway around my third lap of the Academy a wave of terror swept through me. I knew it wasn’t my fear; it was foreign and distant. I stopped dead in my tracks. I didn’t know if I should take a look into Lissa’s mind. It seemed too soon after our fallout. She needed time to cool off and I would be invading her privacy. At the same time her feelings seemed urgent. If she was feeling fear within the Academy it must be serious. I took a deep breath, waving goodbye to selfless Rose.

Lissa had found herself surrounded by a group of Moroi. A quick headcount told me there were around five of them, one being Jesse Zeklos. Knowing he was involved immediately brought out concern. He was trouble. I knew he had been going around different Moroi lately, but I didn’t know what he was doing with them. Normally he kept to Royals, but he had been hanging out with anyone who would listen. I remembered the hurt Moroi I had seen earlier, pairing it with what I was seeing now. I especially didn’t like the way Jesse stared at Lissa with reverence.

“We know you can do it, Lissa. How else could you have gotten everyone to like you when you got back to the Academy? Especially with Hathaway tagging along on your shadow. We just want to learn how we can do it, not to hurt people but so we can get what _we_ want,” he said adamantly. I wondered why Lissa was with them and not with Christian.

“What do you want so badly?” Lissa asked, unable to hide the note of fear in her voice. “Do you me to get you a girlfriend or more cronies?” She gazed around at other Moroi reproachfully. I felt pride at the way she was handling the situation. Verbally, at least.

“We want more dhampirs. We want to get our own army of guardians, even if that means other Moroi missing out. We need to use compulsion to do that. We know that you can do it better than anyone else in the school, Lissa. You could teach us and in return we could teach you to use defensive magic, protect you or give you money.”

Jesse’s friends nodded excitedly as he spoke. I felt an oncoming storm, though I couldn’t explain why. Through Lissa’s eyes I glanced around their meeting place for signs of where they were. A flicker of recognition chilled me. I went to pull out of Lissa’s head, a sense of urgency around what I was doing, when something vile happened.

Lissa must have turned them down, because Jesse was suddenly angry. He stepped up into Lissa’s face as she cowered away from his anger. Jesse raised a hand, but didn’t hit her. Instead he clenched his fist tightly. Lissa started to choke and I figured that Jesse was an air-using Moroi. The bastard was constricting Lissa’s air supply. Her panic and fear seeped into me and I couldn’t pull out of her mind. It took so many attempts that I didn’t realise when I had succeeded. I started running when it clicked, her terror like a neon beacon.

I spotted them in the distance, anger rising when I saw a water-user was holding a sphere of water around Lissa’s head. It dropped away to drench her as the next Moroi stepped up, a fire-user. I wouldn’t let them get that far and before he could start, I tackled him to the ground. I looked down and saw that Ralf Sarcozy was trapped underneath me, his face red with angry embarrassment. I jumped to my feet, rounding on Jesse and the remaining Moroi.

“What do you think you’re playing at?” I growled menacingly. Adrenaline coursed through my body as I stared down each of the Moroi circling me. I was gunning for a fight and it looked like the boys were going to give it to me. “Why the hell were you using offensive magic on Lissa?  Do you have any idea the effect that could have had on her?” I glanced over my shoulder to check on Lissa, who gave me a shaky smile. I knew our previous argument had been forgotten.

“She could have easily stopped us. All she needed to do was use compulsion. We know that she can, we just had to encourage her. If she had just accepted our offer from the beginning, we wouldn’t have used magic at all. She just wanted to continue pretending that she can’t compel, like some goody-two shoes,” he retorted in an accusing tone.

“Yeah, and that’s against the law. You know that. Using offensive magic is against the law too. Not just against school rules but the code all Moroi live by,” I added, sweeping around to face the other Moroi.

They were all on edge. They knew my words held the truth and they were scared about what I was going to do next. There was an air of self-assurance about them. They outnumbered me, which had given them a false confidence that they could beat me in a fight. I was no fool. I knew if they pulled their offensive magic on me I would struggle, but I had speed and practice on my side. I tensed up waiting for the first strike, but Jesse hadn’t finished with the megalomania rant.

“How can you stand there and tell me offensive magic is outlawed when you’re supporting the Ozera Campaign? What’s up with that, man? That Ozera woman is below me in the manner of things. She’s no better than a Strigoi, so don’t give me that crap about offensive magic,” Jesse shot back. I just smirked. Jesse had missed the new arrivals.

“That would be my aunt you’re talking about, Zeklos. She’s campaigning for offensive magic to be taught and implemented against Strigoi. Not once in her outline did she mention using it to leverage other Moroi into doing your bidding. I’m pretty sure that’s what you’re doing here. At least, that’s what Dane tells me,” Christian drawled. It never failed to amuse me when Christian turned his snarky nature on another person.

Jesse opened and shut his mouth like a fish as a younger Moroi stepped from behind Christian. He had cuts and burns on his face, arms and hands. I guessed that Jesse had tried to convince this kid to use compulsion in the same way he had tried to convince Lissa.

“I told the headmistress what you’ve been doing, Jesse. You better start thinking up some pretty good explanations. You might want to do your reflecting somewhere else though. Rose looks ready to kick your ass,” the boy said softly.

Jesse glanced over at me. I nodded slowly. I was ready to kick his ass all the way across Montana if he didn’t clear off. Jesse saw that in my eyes and backed away from me. He gave the kid Moroi a withering glare, but the boy just let it wash over him. Whoever he was, he was familiar enough with Jesse and his habits that they just bounced straight off.

“What the hell, Dane? Why’d you go all tattletale? There was no need to get the headmistress involved,” Jesse paused, sending a hateful look at Christian. “You should know better than to put Strigoi-lovers before your own flesh and blood. We have a family name to honour, you know that!”

Ah, Dane was the younger brother of Jesse. I stepped forward, gleeful at the opportunity to rub the salt into Jesse’s wounds. “I think your brother has better taste in friends than you do, Jesse.” I glanced around the other Moroi who were looking pale and worried. “I would bust a groove if I were you. It’s looking like one of three things might happen: I’ll let out my anger on your pretty boy face, your cronies will let out _their_ anger on your pretty boy face or Kirova will let out _her_ anger out on your social standing. Actually, she probably do that wherever you choose to hide.”

Jesse looked desperate to retaliate, but his friends had already started running for their dormitories. He turned and stalked off, following in their wake. Dane grinned happily as he watched his brother disappear, giving Christian a friendly arm jab as he did. “That was a brilliant bluff you thought up, Christian,” Dane said gleefully. “Jesse will keep his head low for _weeks_. Did you mean what you said?” he added. “Will you teach me how to use offensive magic to fight Striogi? I want to fight like Rose!”

“Sure thing, kiddo,” Christian replied with an uncharacteristic softness. “Now get your butt to bed before you get in some real trouble. I need to talk with your badass heroine now. I have a feeling she’s dying to slink off somewhere herself.” He nudged Dane away, who was still staring at me with a reverence I didn’t deserve.

The kid sent me one last look, as though committing my face to memory, and then headed off towards the main campus. Christian turned to face me. I sighed when I saw the blank expression on his face. It looked like it was going to take some time to win over Christian. I put my hands up in the universal sign of surrender. “I know you hate me. What I did earlier was completely bitchy – “

Christian cut me off. “Bitchy, stupid, mean, selfish, malicious, cruel, unnecessary, out of the blue, stupid. Wait, did I say stupid twice? I guess that’s because it was really stupid. I’ll just repeat that over and over until it sinks in.”

“Oh right, because I don’t know that,” I said in exasperation. “I do know that, better than anyone else here. I am sorry. I have no idea where that anger came from, which is the problem I’m trying to deal with. There is a whole host of anger and resentment washing into me and I don’t know where it’s coming from. If I did, I would deal with it. Since I don’t, I need a little patience, some tolerance and for you guys to help me out. If I can’t – “

My words stopped dead. This couldn’t be happening again. I could not be seeing Mason again. The only reason I had managed to come up with earlier was tiredness. I had gotten up early to train. That was why I had seen Mason. There was no logical explanation for why I was seeing him now, though.

There stood Mason, a panicked expression on his face. He was more solid this time, as though someone had gone over his form with paint and coloured him in. His appearance came with a hit of nausea and I knew that we were all in danger. I turned to Christian and Lissa. Both of them were staring at me like I had grown an extra head. I didn’t have time to explain. I needed to get them out of here.

“Run.”

“What? Look Rose, you’re not making any sense. What’s wrong? You’ve gone really pale. Do you feel sick?” Lissa said in a panic-stricken voice. “Do you need me to heal you? I could make you feel better.”

“The only way I could feel better right now is if you run back to your dormitory. I want you to run and keep on running until you find a guardian.” I gripped her forearms tightly. I needed her to understand the importance of these instructions or we were all lost. “You have to find a guardian and tell them that the school is under attack. If they don’t believe you, make them believe. This is very important.” I paused taking in a deep breath. “Tell as many guardians as you see that Strigoi have broken into the school grounds. The wards are breached. We are all under attack.”

“Rose – “

“Stop arguing and run,” I snapped.

Lissa froze. At first I thought she was hurt by my retort, but her eyes were fixed behind me. I heard a low laugh. I pushed Lissa as hard as I could. She stumbled, but regained her balance in time to catch herself. I gave her one last look of warning. She nodded her agreement, and then ran.

I turned to face what I had sensed approach. I didn’t know how or why, but I had acquired some sort of death sense. That sounded stupid, like a superpower, but I didn’t know how else to describe. I could see ghosts and sense the walking dead. Next I would be holding séances. That was if I lived that long.

“Tut tut, you shouldn’t have done that.”


	6. Too Late

**Six** : Too Late

“It’s too late to turn back now; It’s too loud to hear a sound; I’m so lost I can’t be found; It’s too late to turn back now.”

_Dead By Sunrise ****_

* * *

 

I had turned around to find two Strigoi behind me: one male and one female. Neither of them wore happy expressions. I guessed they were pretty wound-up that I had made Lissa run to safety, which drew a smirk out of me. A low growl of warning issued from the male’s throat. Without a second glance at me, he made to chase Lissa down. I wasn’t about to let him have his way. I reacted more quickly than his companion could, knocking the male Strigoi to the ground while he was distracted.

“I don’t think so,” I spat at him. “You’re going to have to get through me before you can get to her. You won’t find me such easy prey.”

Both Strigoi shared an amused look, which rapidly escalated into laughter. It soon faded when somebody else stepped up beside me. I didn’t even have to look over to know that Christian had stayed behind. I was relieved he was there. I didn’t have a weapon. Well, I had a play stake but that could no more kill a Strigoi than it could the guardians it was designed to be used on. That was fantastic news for these two Strigoi and not so good news for me and Christian.

“Look at this. You’ve got a little Moroi friend to pin our arms behind our back. What a pathetic guardian you’ll be,” the woman mocked in a baby voice. That turned out to be a shame since those were her final words. The female Strigoi shrieked as her entire body caught fire, the flames making quick work of her. I watched in fascination, knowing that Christian had just unleashed his magic. That moment didn’t last long as the male Strigoi flung towards me.

I ducked clumsily, hitting the floor fast enough that the Strigoi sailed over my head. I stumbled as I attempted to regain my balance, turning in time to see a second attack heading towards my face. I moved defensively, scraping my hands on rocks and gravel as I scrambled backwards. The defensive moves weren’t giving me much chance to attack. In a desperate attempt to do some damage, I swung out blindly. The Striogi caught my fist easily, twisting my arm up my back.

I let out a yelp of pain as the Strigoi pulled my arm up higher. By pure luck, one of my flailing legs managed to catch the Strigoi in the groin. The angle of my blow caused him to drop me on the floor. I landed in an inelegant heap, but I was free. I rolled onto my feet, searching the floor for a weapon of some sort. There was nothing on the floor that I could use. I couldn’t even see a broken tree branch. Panic started to rise in my chest.

“Rose!” Christian yelled. “Use this!”

He lobbed something dark at my face. I caught it reflexively, examining it closely. It was a pocket knife. I raised an eyebrow at Christian and he shrugged. It was just like him to carry around a very human weapon for show.

My thoughts were rudely interrupted as a foot stomped into the small of my back. I flew forwards to land back on the floor, the breath completely knocked from my lungs. I rolled over dazedly and found the Strigoi baring down on me. He went ignored my feeble attempts to push him off, going straight for my neck. He took his time and it was obvious he thought I was unarmed. That would be his last mistake. I refused to waste this shot.

I cut my fingers on the blade as I tried to wiggle it free. I only had a matter of seconds until the Strigoi took his first bite. My heart hammered in my chest as I tried to figure out if the blade was pointed up at the right angle. I couldn’t give it much thought because teeth were grazing my exposed neck. I took a deep breath and shoved the knife in with as much force as possible.

At first the Strigoi just swatted at my arms. He clearly thought I was trying to slap him away again. It took him too long to realise that I was in the process of staking his heart. The last thing he ever did was assist my struggle by closing the gap between our bodies. With a final snarl, the Strigoi stopped moving and fell still, blood trickling from his mouth.

I lay still for a moment trying to collect myself together. I had just killed another Strigoi. That wasn’t even the worst of it. I had predicted the arrival of Strigoi with the help of the ghost of a dead friend. I was a walking psychic freak. Feeling afraid and frustrated, I shoved the dead Strigoi off my chest and climbed to my feet. As an afterthought I tugged the pocket knife out of the Striogi’s chest. It took a couple of attempts but I managed it. The situation looked better now I had some sort of defence.

I looked around for my partner in crime and found him staring at me with open fear. I remembered that this was the first time Christian had ever killed another being. “It’s alright, Christian. She was just a Strigoi. There will be a helluva lot more coming in a minute so we better get prepared. I don’t think this knife will work every time,” I said as reassuringly as I could. I didn’t mention that our two kills here were completely down to luck. That probably would have made things worse.

“I don’t think that’s the major issue here,” Christian murmured as I cleaned the knife on my blood-soaked jeans. “You just predicted the arrival of Strigoi and you reckon the wards are down. How did you do it?”

“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “It’s a pretty useful tool though. Think of the benefits it’ll bring to being a guardian. Talking of guardians, I wonder if Lissa managed to convince any of them that there is real danger out here.”

That was something which really worried me. Who would realistically believe that Striogi were attacking the Academy on faith alone? The catch here was that if the guardians didn’t take Lissa on faith, then the danger would increase. We would have less time to prepare to defend ourselves. The thought made me shiver.

The wards were down. Our worst nightmares were coming alive. If we had any hope of surviving the day then the guardians needed to trust that the wards truly had failed. I had a theory about why the wards weren’t working to full capacity, but that would have to wait.

“Rose, look! The guardians are coming,” Christian let out a relieved sigh, interrupting my thoughts as he gestured in the distance. I looked up to see Alberta striding towards us followed by Stan and another guardian I didn’t know by name. I couldn’t see Lissa amongst them. I guessed that the guardians had set some sort of safety measure into process. My other theory was that she had been sent to Kirova for trying to start a cruel prank.

“What’s going on here?” Alberta asked the moment she neared us. “Princess Vasilisa said she had seen two Strigoi circling the Academy. Where about were the Strigoi?”

It didn’t surprise me that Alberta had come to the conclusion the Strigoi had been beyond the school wards. I didn’t expect our story to be believed first time. The only positive I could see was that an alarm had been raised. A Strigoi was dangerous, even one that prowled the Academy wards like a predatory animal. The guardians had clearly wanted the students to stay out of the way while they made quick work of the small threat. Either way, the others were out of direct harm. That meant one less thing to worry about.

“The two Strigoi were inside the Academy wards, Guardian Petrov,” I corrected patiently. “They were heading towards the school campus and I’m pretty sure more are on the way. Christian killed one and I killed the other. We need to start securing the buildings if we’re going to lessen collateral damage.”

I knew more Strigoi were coming. The nausea that had settled in with the arrival of the other two hadn’t faded yet and I had made a connection between the two. I wasn’t about to tell my superiors that I was a walking Strigoi detector. The aim here was to convince them to let me fight. If I told them I could see ghosts and sense Strigoi I would be lucky to graduate. I needed to make them understand as quickly as possible.

“I don’t think so, Miss Hathaway. How could a pair of Strigoi manage to bring the Academy wards?” Stan interceded in a snide voice. He always used that tone with me. It was nothing new and I didn’t have time to spar verbally with him. “In my opinion Miss Hathaway is looking for more attention now that the fascination with her previous feat has faded.”

I let Stan’s jibes slide and focused on my will on getting Alberta to believe me. “I have a theory concerning the wards but now is not the time. We have to stay safe until sun-up and fix the wards then. I can see you’ve warned the students and staff, but the situation is more serious than a practised drill. There _will_ be more Strigoi. I can promise you that. If you won’t take my words at face value than you can check for the bodies.”

Alberta gave a curt signal to the other guardian with them. He jogged off without a word. An awkward silence settled while we waited for the guardian to come back. I was aware that we were wasting precious seconds doing nothing, but it was important that the gravity of the situation was understand.

The guardian never made it back. There were a few shouts and cries for help, then silence fell. A shiver of cold went down my back. They were here.

“There was no way Henry was across the boundary. That attack was within the wards. We need to get out of here,” she told Stan. “You take Rose and Christian to the dhampir dormitory. I’ll sprint for the main office and raise the alarm. We’re going to need more guardians to come in.”

The words were hardly out of her mouth before Stan had grabbed Christian by one arm and me by the other. He pulled us along towards the dhampir dormitories in the distance, not bothering to spare a glance to his colleague as she ran in the opposite direction. I pulled my arm free of Stan’s hard grip and jogged alongside him. The queasy feeling in my stomach never faded, no matter how far we ran from the iron gates surrounding the Academy.

I needed a weapon. The only thing I had at the moment was Christian’s pocket knife. It had worked once, but I didn’t think it would work effectively again. A stake would do a much better job. I could see one swinging on Stan’s belt as he ran. I knew he would never willingly give it to me. They wouldn’t want students fighting alongside them. All the same, I knew the school guardians were in real trouble here. I wouldn’t stand by and watch them die for me when I knew I could fight as well as they could. I refused to let another person die knowing I could have prevented it.

Stan paid little attention to his belt or what we were doing. As long as we were running beside him, he didn’t care what we did. This had given me the perfect opportunity to arm myself. I wouldn’t miss it.

“How do you think the wards came down?” Stan suddenly asked. “We check them routinely. Not only that, we make sure the Moroi staff at the school re-charm them frequently. What would weaken them enough that they came down with very little effort?”

It was surreal to see Stan treat me like an equal and not as a disruptive student. For the most part he acted like I would never graduate, let alone become a guardian. I genuinely felt satisfied that he appreciated that I might know things he didn’t. He wasn’t going to shut me out of this just because I was younger than him. Only one other person had ever wanted my honest opinion. I refused to think about how well that had ended.

“Rose?” Stan had stopped running, which meant that his stake was no longer within my reach. I tried to hide my disappointment as I faced him.

“A group of Moroi took it upon themselves to have offensive magic classes by the school boundary lines. My idea is that the offensive magic countered the defensive magic. That in turn gradually wore the wards down until they were no longer able to hold back the Strigoi. This would explain why the degeneration went unnoticed. Since it was caused by magic it was hard to sense. It didn’t just disappear. It faded,” I explained. “It’s just like those idiots to mess around with things they can’t handle. Now they’ve put the whole school in danger,” I concluded fiercely, thinking once again of the fear Lissa had felt as they took the air from her lungs.

“They were using offensive magic in secret? They weren’t supporters of the Ozera campaign, were they?” Stan asked. I sighed, wondering why people couldn’t just accept things at face value. They always had to justify them using their limited view of the world.

Christian clearly agreed with me as he stared Stan down. The guardian turned away quickly. I figured that maybe some of the teachers had mixed feelings on the subject of using offensive magic to support guardians. The fact that this topic was fuelled by Christian and his aunt only added to the tension. They were potential threats to everyone but a limited few. Hell, I was a potential risk too. We were quite the trio.

“They had nothing to do with the Ozera campaign. Theirs had a more self-centred core. They used their magic offensively in order to bring out compulsion in other students, then recruited the best users so they could be taught how to get their own way. The long-term aim was to make sure they were assigned the best guardians once they’d graduated.” My voice was shaking by the end.

“We’ll just have to deal with them later,” Stan said, though his voice doubted that we’d have a _later_ to get to.

We continued on in silence, weaving through crowds of confused students who were being ushered into the nearest buildings. They all wore a similar look of confusion, though I was proud to see that none of the older dhampirs looked afraid. They were stoic and determined, even going so far as to usher the younger students out of the way to ease the chaos. They all knew what had to be done and were preparing to defend the dormitories while the adults fought. This was the reality of our situation.

“I want you two to stay in there,” Stan stated when we reached the doors. “I don’t want either of you to follow, especially you.” He gave me a hard look. “This is for your own good. We’ve never had to deal with an attack of this scale. Who knows what might happen.”

Stan didn’t stay long. I watched in despair as he walked off. That had been my only opportunity to get hold of a stake. If I wanted one now I would have to break into the supply rooms, which would take me away from the fighting. I mused over the problem, trying to come up with a viable solution. A cough from Christian brought me back from my thoughts.

“What?” I griped.

“Are you in the market for a shiny, practically unused stake?” he asked with a smirk. In his open hand sat Stan’s stake. The cheeky Moroi had snagged the weapon while Stan had been distracted with my theories. Not that I had anything to complain about. I gave him an appreciative smile in return. “I knew you wouldn’t want to miss out on all the action. What is your plan?”

“I want to check in on Lissa first, so we need to find a secluded hiding place,” I said. “We might as well get away from the dormitories while there is still enough confusion for us to hide in. I’ll need you to keep watch too. I won’t be able see what’s going on here, so stop teachers, guardians and any Striogi that show up from getting too close. You just keep a hold of that stake for the meantime. I’ll give you a rundown on where to aim.”

Christian nodded. Although there was a steely glint in his eyes, he had a nervous air to him. He had been there in Spokane when Mason had died. He knew what we were dealing with here and wasn’t about to take it lightly. I couldn’t have had a better person watching out for me.

I gave him a quick less on using a stake to impale opponents as we walked towards the back of the dormitories. We found a small closed off area and spoke one last time before I headed into Lissa’s head. I had to trust that Christian would do the right thing if anyone bothered us. He had magic and he had a stake. I was depending upon him now.

It was easy enough to slip into Lissa’s head. Her thoughts were all about me and Christian, which opened her mind up to me more. All of her emotions were taunt and edgy, but within moments it was easy to see that she had made it to the Moroi dormitory. There were two others with her: Eddie and Adrian. They weren’t the only ones there. Most of the Moroi and dhampirs that had been in that part of the school were standing around the second floor hallway nervously. Adrian had even taken up pacing, wearing the carpet out as he shuffled from side-to-side anxiously.

Knowing that Eddie was there to look out for Lissa gave me a sense of reassurance. He would be able to prevent Lissa from taking any stupid course of action while the sun was down. Her thoughts were swirled around. She wanted to find out if Christian and me had managed to escape from the Strigoi. No-one could tell her if we were alive.

“Where are Rose and Christian?” Lissa whispered tearfully through her fingers. “Shouldn’t they be here by now? They could still be out on campus. They could even be dead. I just left them alone to fight the Strigoi. What if they were overpowered? Rose didn’t even have a weapon. If they’re hurt then it is my fault.”

“It won’t be your fault. Rose acted like a guardian and told you to run, told you to raise the alarm. You did. She told you to get help. You did. I’m sure the guardians would have reached her in time,” Eddie said softly.

Adrian stopped pacing and laid a soothing hand on Lissa’s shoulder. “Eddie is right. Rose is fast and strong. I’m sure she could have led the Strigoi to the nearest guardians, who would have been properly equipped to deal with the threat. My bet is she and Christian are in the dhampir dormitories fretting over you.”

I felt relief that Adrian and Eddie were keeping a firm eye on Lissa. She needed to see sense. When she was wound up like this she tended to do stupid things, like hurt herself. The one thing I needed more than anything today was for Lissa to stay safe. I would even have promised the teachers, guardians or God himself to stay out of the fight if it meant Lissa would make it through unharmed. I needed to make things right between us.

“I see,” Lissa said quietly. Her voice frightened me. “It’s clear to me now. I am the princess, not Rose. I am the last Dragomir, not Rose. I am the Moroi, not Rose.” The quiet anger burning Lissa had not gone unnoticed by Adrian who was backing from her. “You need to protect me and make sure I survive. I’m the important person, not Rose. It’s alright if she dies for me. You can replace her.” She whipped around with a speed even I would have struggled to achieve to glare at Eddie. “You’ll do, I suppose. What does it matter? All dhampirs are the same. All you need to do is place your body between mine and whoever wants to kill me. Die for me, Eddie.”

Her command had bordered on compulsion and Eddie swayed uneasily, completely mesmerised. Adrian stepped in and set him to rights. Both of them watched Lissa apprehensively. Her behaviour reminded me too much of the days before her depression was known and treated with medication. Without the medication, Lissa was more likely to act without thinking.

“Nobody is suggesting that Rose means nothing. It’s just that she had a better chance of surviving than you. Rose has been trained to deal with Strigoi,” Adrian replied. “She wouldn’t want you to chase after her, Lissa. That would mean you were deliberately putting yourself in danger.”

“What if I want to give back to her? What if I want to put her first?”

“Is this because of the things Rose said to you earlier?” Adrian asked in an unsure voice. Eddie stood next to him, ready to spring into action if needed. “Rose never meant anything she said. She wants you safe. She’s strived for your safety for most of her life.”

“You’re right, she has. She has spent most of her time making sure I could live a normal teenage life. What has she gotten in return? She has gotten nothing but trouble. I want _her_ safe,” Lissa retorted bitterly. She looked ready to bolt. “I’m going out there to find her.”

“I don’t think so,” Eddie said. I knew he would stop Lissa from leaving at any cost, even if it meant locking her up. It was clear that Lissa wasn’t thinking straight. She needed someone to calm her down and make her see reason. I felt pretty confident that Lissa wouldn’t be going anywhere for the rest of the day.

As I went to pull free from her mind, I felt a tingle of magic and compulsion. I glimpsed a dreamy expression of Eddie’s face. I heard Adrian grunt in pain.

I knew what Lissa was doing.


	7. It's My Life

**Seven** : It’s My Life ****

“It’s my life; It’s now or never; I ain’t gonna live forever; I just wanna live while I’m alive.”

_Bon Jovi ****_

* * *

 

“NO – “ I started to shout. A hand clamped down on my mouth and I struggled wildly with the intention of fighting back. The person holding me yanked my head upwards and I realised that Christian had been the one to stop my shout. He glared at me until I stopped wiggling. “We need to get to the Moroi dormitory right now. Lissa has compelled Eddie. She wants to find us.”

“What?” Christian asked in disbelief. “She’s going to do what? Come find us. Why would she do that?”

“She wants to save us. Move your butt, Ivashkov. We need to get over to the other side of campus. I’ll need you to cover me,” I replied impatiently.

Christian still stared at me like I had just declared my undying love. I didn’t have time for his doubt. I needed to move. Without sparing him a second glance, I jogged around the corner towards the sounds of a fight. The space in front of the dhampir dormitory was empty of people and the doors were barricaded. I doubted we were going to get in there. I focused on finding a clear path through the campus.

Smoke curled skywards in the distance. The screams and shouts I’d failed to hear earlier were the only sounds breaking the silence. A shiver ran through my body at the thought of people dying on the Academy grounds. I didn’t want to think like that, not about my classmates and teachers, but it was hard to ignore. I could help, I knew I could, but Lissa needed me more.

“Are you even coming?” I called to Christian. He had jogged up behind me while I’d been surveying the scene before me.

“Of course,” he replied curtly and then we were off running towards the noise and the Moroi dorms.

We didn’t manage to get very far across campus before the first fight came to us. A wave of fresh nausea warned me about the arrival of Strigoi. I searched about to find the source of my sickness. There was a pair of guardians ahead of us who were struggling against three Strigoi. A few of the comrades had already fallen and littered the fall haphazardly. I knew they were losing and rushed forwards to help.

I recognised Stan instantly. His left eye was swollen so badly that it had closed shut, limiting his vision. He dragged his right leg whenever he moved and he seemed dead on his feet. Without considering anything else, I stood in a defensive position in front of him. He sent a dark look my way when he realised I was there, but he didn’t say anything. I nodded my acknowledgement. We weren’t play fighting anymore. This was a serious fight to the death.

The Strigoi had paused their assault to weigh up this turn in events. The shuffled slowly from side-to-side. A typical ploy used by the Strigoi to make their prey underestimate them. I hadn’t been taken in. I knew only too well how fast they could move when they needed to. I wrapped my fingers around the cool stake and waited for the Strigoi to make a strike.

I felt soothed by the feel of the stake, although the moment was bittersweet. This was Stan’s weapon. Who knew if his beat-up state was my fault for taking his defence from him? I doubted it, but the thought made me want to make things up to him. I wouldn’t leave him to die alone.

Having assessed both me and Christian, the Strigoi shared a smirk. They had made their first, and last, mistake in underestimating us. Usually I would be pissed that people thought poorly of me, but it would be advantageous right now. With careful precision I tucked the stake up my sleeve. Seconds later the Strigoi struck.

A dark form barrelled into my chest, flinging me down onto the ground forcefully. When it tried to wrap its arms around my shoulders I wiggled down lower so that its chest hovered directly above me. I brought my arm up, but the Strigoi blocked it. I panicked, unable to get to my stake. Before either of us could react the Strigoi was up on its feet. Stan had pulled it backwards and was now dancing with the Strigoi. I rolled up onto my feet, diving onto the Strigoi’s back. I shook my stake free and pressed the point against his back. The Strigoi froze for a moment, but I had already started driving the weapon forwards before he could react.

The Strigoi convulsed for a minute underneath me and then tumbled forward to join its victims in the afterlife. I didn’t pause. I swung around to find the second and third Strigoi. They had teamed up to take on Christian and his guardian partner. Christian had a strained expression on his face, which had been brought on by exhaustion. I realised that his earlier burst of excessive fire had worn him down slightly and now he was struggling to create even the tiniest flame. The guardian with him was faring worse; both Strigoi had chosen to finish her off first. Blood tricked from her neck. From the dazed expression on her face, I would say she had been bitten.

I ran over to help the pair, Stan hot on my heels. The two Strigoi paused for a moment. They were grinning right up until they spotted their fallen comrade. I smirked. It was a signal for them to come and get some. One of them pulled away from the easy prey, blurring towards me at speeds I could barely follow. This method of attack was getting very old. It was clear they were used to their victims being overpowered through speed alone.

A fist materialised in front of my face. I had just enough time to turn my head to the right so that my cheek took the brute force of the blow. I hit the floor hard for the hundredth time that day, spitting blood out as I fell. The Strigoi stiffened up at the scent of fresh blood. I felt disgusted as his pupils dilated and his mouth dripped with saliva. I would not be dinner tonight. As the Strigoi was distracted by his hunger I clambered back to my feet.

The moment I made it upright, the world span around me in wide circles. I shook my head in an attempt to clear it. The Strigoi copied me, desperately ridding himself of bloodlust. When my head stopped turning we were ready to send our next attacks. He jumped forwards and grabbed a fistful of my hair, yanking my head back far enough to expose my throat.

The taste of iron and rust in my mouth reminded me painfully of what he wanted to take from me. I tensed as his teeth moved closer to my neck and grazed my skin. My hands grappled with my stake, exchanging it between hands as I tried to find a weak spot to attack. Feeling the need for irony, I plunged it deep into the only thing I could see: his neck. He screamed and let go of my hair, releasing my head at the same time. I tried to tug my stake out of his neck, blood spurting over my hands so that the handle slipped from my grip.

I moved backwards nervously, aware that I was now without a weapon. The Strigoi removed his hand from his neck, fisting it. I didn’t fancy my chances without a stake, so I acted before he could. I sent a silent prayer upwards as I forced my foot into his chest with as much power as I could muster. He stumbled backwards and I leapt for my stake. It came away easily this time, but I never got a chance to attack him again. He burst into flames.

“Thanks,” I muttered to Christian. I gingerly touched my cheek. It had already swollen and would make one nasty bruise. “I think you should keep to a lower level of fire-wielding,” I added as we returned to Stan and his partner. “You don’t want to wear yourself out. Keep it localised and burn their heads.”

A charred and headless Strigoi lay by Stan’s feet. I ignored it, checking out the shape Stan and his partner were in. Stan had a new cut trailing down his neck and the female guardian had a gash across her forehead. Her hair stuck to face, coated in blood and grime. She looked shaken and dazed. There would be no more fighting for her today. Christian looked relatively unharmed. He looked fatigued, but raring to go.

“You ready to leave?” he asked. “We might be able to move quicker if I distract them and you stake them. You’re right about the amount of magic I’m using. I’ll try and aim for their heads. That should get them wound-up. I don’t real enjoy killing them, even if they are evil.” He glanced at the two Strigoi I’d helped bring down. “You’re better equipped as a killing machine. Let’s go.”

“Hang on,” Stan interrupted, stepping in front of us as we tried to move on to the next fight. I figured that he had held his tongue for long enough and was planning on giving us a grilling. What he said next surprised both Christian and me. “Thanks for the help, Rose. We would have died if it wasn’t for your help. I know that there’s nothing I can say to make you head for safety, so please just take care. Not that you need me to tell you that.”

I nodded. Christian signalled to me that we needed to get going and then we were jogging off into the distance again. The nausea that had started earlier in the day stayed with me, which told of how many Strigoi had gotten into the school. I shoved the sick feeling aside. I couldn’t let it distract me. It might have been a good warning when the Strigoi were arriving, but it was rendered useless now.

A crowd emerged suddenly. It was made up of guardians, Moroi and Strigoi, all of them weaving in and out of each other as they fought. Every now and again a blow made contact with its intended target. Sometimes they fell and didn’t get back up again. Sometimes they got pushed into a different fight.

Flames weaved through the air too, lighting up Strigoi like there were dry sticks. The Moroi that fought were all teachers or staff. None of them were students. They all used their fire magic the way Christian used his, assisting the guardians where they were needed. Clearly his earlier use of fire magic had inspired the guardians to get creative. It had definitely bumped up the number of people defending the school.

I didn’t hesitate as a Strigoi stumbled into my path. I stepped into the fighting easily, Christian whipping up flames wherever necessary.

It felt like we were fighting for hours on end. Moroi numbers dropped more quickly than guardian one as they exhausted themselves or were killed. I didn’t acknowledge that last thought. If I slowed for even a microsecond then I would be cut down next. I needed to be at the top of my game.

Somewhere along the line I had acquired a knife. It had helped to decapitate a few Strigoi, but the battle was too fast paced for it to be a reliant method. My survival was a mixture of luck and skill. I might be fighting easily and land the fatal blow. Other times I would be losing ground and someone else would give me a break by dealing the killing blow. Together Christian and me were proving lethal. He would set their heads on fire and I would stab them while they were distracted.  

This went on so long that I knew nothing else. My nausea faded a little as the number of Strigoi dropped, but it never left me. The buzz of adrenaline fuelled everything I did as I rushed between groups of guardians, defending and helping whenever I was needed. Just as I was about to pull a Strigoi off a frightened Moroi, a sharp shot of terror froze my body in place. It wasn’t mine, but it was crippling all the same.

In the second that I stopped moving a Strigoi managed to thrust a metal pole through my shoulder. Pain exploded throughout my arm as I stumbled back, the pole still in my shoulder. The mixture of alarm and pain was crippling. I couldn’t move or draw a breath. This was it, the moment of my death. The Strigoi grinned with knowing. Then his head caught fire.

Christian stepped up as the Strigoi dropped down. The rest of his body went up in flames as Christian tried to gently tug the metal pole from my shoulder. I glared at him and he ripped it free. I let out a sharp intake of breath.

“Why’d you stop attacking?” he asked as I tried to stem the flow of blood coming from my open wound. Fights still continued on around us. No-one could spare us a moment of attention. The Moroi I had gone to save stared up at the starry sky with unseeing eyes. The world carried on. “You left yourself wide open.”

I removed my hand from my wound. My stomach lurched as it came away dark red and sticky. Christian gripped my good arm tightly to remind me where I was. “Lissa,” I groaned. “I need to check on Lissa.”

Christian understood immediately. I needed him to look out for me again while I checked on her. With increasing concern I remembered that the last time I had checked on Lissa she had been about to use compulsion. We had become so overwhelmed by the fighting that we had forgotten to stop Lissa from looking for us.

A headless Strigoi fell in front of us as Christian tugged me through the chaos. I flinched as the pain in my shoulder flared up, my muscles tightening convulsively. I swallowed down the agony. There were worse things happening right now.

“What do you mean that something is wrong with Lissa? Do you think she got out of the dormitories after all?” Christian asked as we made it through the battlefield. His eyes were wide and frightened, which in turn scared me. He had just faced down hordes of Strigoi, but the thought of Lissa out amongst them made him terrified.

“Yes. Her fear burst through the bond. It was great enough to make me hesitate. I need to find out where she is.” Christian didn’t respond. He shoved me into one of the recesses in the school buildings. Without another word he cast a wall of fire between us and the rest of the world. The heat was unbearable, but I focused on slipping into Lissa’s mind. Her emotions dragged me in.

The first thing I noticed; Lissa was not in the Moroi dormitory. The second thing I noticed were trees and lots of them. They climbed skywards to block out the moonlight. The final thing I noticed was that she wasn’t alone. There were two pairs of Strigoi standing in front of her. They seemed pleased that they had stumbled on easy prey so far from the school. All eight eyes watched her, glinting like fiery jewels in the night. They didn’t seem to recognise her, which was one thing.

“Well, what do we have here?” One of the Strigoi stepped forward slowly to create a forced sense of ease. Lissa’s heart rate escalated and I felt her breathing quicken. “It looks like we found three tasty little snacks just waiting to be gobbled up. I think I’m going to have to step over enemy lines for this treat!”

“You will leave them alone!” That was Eddie’s voice. I felt horror and relief that he was with Lissa. I did a quick calculation and came to the conclusion that Adrian had to be there too. Between them they had one fighter and two spirit users, none of which would be enough to take down four Strigoi. “You’ll have to fight me first. I won’t let you lay a hand on either of my charges.”

“Isn’t that just the cutest? A teenage dhampir, who is willing to lay his life down already. I think I’ll take him. He’ll taste like fallen pride.”

The other three Strigoi prowled forwards out of the dark. They closed ranks around my friends.

I pulled out of Lissa’s head. I couldn’t waste another moment watching the horror unfold. Christian dropped the magic as soon as I touched his shoulder. Without thinking, we both started sprinting towards the trees. Guardians called out my name as we ran, trying to explain that the fight was over. I knew it wasn’t. Not yet. I was determined to get to Lissa in time. She was my charge and my best friend. I owed it to her. I owed Eddie and Adrian too. They had been nothing but supportive to me over the past few months.

I was guided by my rising feelings of nausea since I hadn’t looked for clues to their location in the woods. It must have been worse for Christian who was following me on blind faith. When my nausea faded, panic gripped me. I spun in fast circles, ignoring the pain in my shoulder as I tried to regain the sense of nausea. Instead a solidified version of Mason grabbed my attention, pointing towards my left. I nodded.

“Thanks Mason,” I whispered. I didn’t see Christian’s reaction, but I heard him hesitate.

The trees thickened as we got closer. The sickness I associated with Strigoi got worse too, stronger than before. I slowed and Christian followed suit. The sound of voices and yelling pulled our attention to a small clearing. I hid behind a tree and spied around it. The Strigoi were circling my friends, playing with their food, so to speak. They taunted them as they shepherded them along. I felt Christian tense beside me, getting ready to rush in. I put an arm out to stop him. The Strigoi were nearing out hiding place.  

Christian didn’t have to wait long. When one of the Strigoi was close enough, I pulled him into the foliage and shoved my stake into his back. He fell nosily from behind the tree, alerting the other Strigoi to an attack. They turned on the spot looking for the source of the assault. Christian strode out, burning up the Strigoi nearest to Lissa automatically. The Strigoi numbers had dropped to two, balancing things out. I smirked. We had the upper hand.

“Don’t even bother,” I spat as one of the Strigoi made to grab Adrian. He moved aside in time, his would-be assailant falling onto nothing. “You’re outmatched. You might as well stop trying to run away with victims.” I flexed my fingers against my blood-stained stake. The Strigoi watched warily.

“I wouldn’t say we were outmatched,” one of them said softly.

A missile was hurtled at Eddie. It hit him hard and he fell backwards, struggling underneath what I thought was a log. Christian raced forwards to help free him, only to be grabbed by the second Strigoi. I moved with the intention of helping, stopping dead when I heard Lissa scream. I turned to find the first Strigoi holding her, his teeth gripping her neck lightly. I knew it would only take one bite for her life to be ended.

Eddie managed to wiggle free and rose to his feet. He stood beside me as we mentally weighed up our options. I quickly came to conclusion that we had none. The only options I could think of involved sacrificing myself. If I could move fast enough or hit hard enough, then maybe we could reduce the numbers further. No chance. I saw Eddie sag in defeat. I wasn’t about to give up.

Lissa was like a sister to me. I wouldn’t let her come to harm. Fear, pain and panic rose in me higher and higher. I felt like I was going to explode. Who knew what was going to happen now? The wards were down and people had died. Lissa was trapped. I could do nothing to help. I clenched my hands into fists and a sudden new pain split across my head. A roaring headache.

Shadowy figures appeared all around us, pressing at something unseen. I gasped as they became clearer, recognising a few faces amongst the ones I didn’t know. There was Mason, the most solid I had ever seen him stood and watched me with sad determination. Lissa’s parents were there too. They’d been dead for years and my heart ached with recognition. Andre appeared closest to me, winking cheekily like he always had. My head ached and my stomach heaved as these ghosts surged towards me. They held their hands out with longing.  

If I thought that only I could see them then I was wrong. Although the living looked right through them, the Strigoi stared at the ghosts with open horror. The ghosts drifted close together like a solid rain cloud.

“Don’t come to me, go to them,” I whispered clutching my head. The pain had knocked me to my knees and I could barely stay conscious. “Save them. Save my friends.”

The ghosts turned on the Striogi, distracting them. The one holding Lissa shoved her away viciously as the spirits of her parents and brother started pressing down on him. She rushed to my side, magic at her fingertips as she tried to heal whatever was wrong with me, but she couldn’t. I watched as the Strigoi swatted and pushed at the ghosts, but the vampires could do nothing as they were overwhelmed.

Eddie rushed towards the Strigoi who had held Lissa captive. I managed to stay awake long enough to see him kill him. I leant forwards so that my face was pressed into the grass. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t say awake. Knowing that Lissa was safe helped me fade into black. I had nothing left to worry about.

 


	8. How Soon Is Now

**Eight** : How Soon Is Now

“You shut your mouth; How can you say I go about things the wrong way?”

_The Smiths ****_

* * *

 

There could be nothing more terrifying than waking up alone in a forest. I struggled to keep my eyes open, sheer exhaustion threatening to drag me back down into unconsciousness. Every inch of my body ached, some more than others. I did a quick check of the more serious injuries, wincing as I tried to move my shoulder. The blood had stopped flowing as freely now, but I could hardly move my arm in any direction without fresh pain bursting through my shoulder.

It became pretty clear that I was alone in the forest. I searched for other signs of life, but found nothing. Alarm raised my hackles. The lack of people wasn’t the only thing bothering me. The last thing I had seen before I’d blacked out was the Strigoi attacking Eddie and the others. Now they were nowhere to be seen. This didn’t bode well. I needed to move. I needed to find them.

I dragged myself forwards slowly. The wound in my shoulder hindered my progress. I couldn’t move more than a few feet in any direction without the pain causing my muscles to seize up. Panting slightly I paused to catch my breath. The silence was eerie after the sounds of battle throughout the day. It made my skin itch.

“Christian!”

The warning shattered the silence and I moved towards the sound. I pulled myself forwards on my stomach, bringing Lissa and Christian into view. My heart pounded as I looked around for the others or even some guardians. No-one else stood nearby. The sense of danger that had settled on me when I had woken grew stronger.

Lissa looked distraught and agitated, lost in a world of her own. Christian stood by her side like a guard, making me feel more useless than I had in months. I had failed in my capacity to protect her and in return I had been forgotten about, left at the wayside. The frustration left a bitter taste in the back of my mouth.

“Eddie and Adrian,” Lissa whispered hoarsely to Christian. He wrapped his fingers around her wrist, guiding her into his arms. “They’re gone. I mean, really gone. What are we going to do?”

The sunlight caught her blonde hair and lit her up so that she looked like an angel. I tried to call out to her to offer some comfort, but the words choked off. My throat was too swollen. I couldn’t make a sound. Instead I watched silently as Christian hugged her tightly and murmured soft words into her ear. I was useless.

“The guardians will find us. We’ll get Rose to the infirmary and things will start happening. The dhampirs will know what to do. We just need to wait,” Christian repeated his words over and over. I didn’t believe him. I didn’t believe anyone. How could anything ever be alright again?

“What happened with Rose?” Lissa asked quietly. She didn’t look over at me and that hurt. She was too afraid of the things she might see. Images from her mind spilled over into mine. They were memories. In them I was pale and blood-soaked, arms out wide to stop ghosts from nearing me, but to her it seemed like I was waving at air. “She went crazy back then. Just like before. I’m scared that she’s losing her mind. I feel responsible for her.”

“She’ll get help,” Christian insisted. “It’s the strain of everything the last year has thrown at her. The school helped you with your depression, so they can help Rose too. They gave you drugs, right? That’s probably all she needs to keep the madness away.”

There was a look in Christian’s eyes that worried me. Lissa avoided it, but Christian held her tightly so that she was forced to meet his gaze. Her lips pressed together into a thin line of defiance and Christian threw her arms from him. Lissa straightened up and stalked away from him. Christian rubbed his temples.

“I knew it,” he sighed restlessly. “When you used that magic it clicked. I should have seen it sooner. You stopped taking your medication, didn’t you? I mean, you shouldn’t be able to touch your magic, let alone use it. Where the hell did you learn those tricks? They made my skin crawl. The look on your face,” Christian shook his head in distress. “No. I know you saved us, but at what cost?”

Lissa span and sent a look of intense hatred at Christian. “I’ve learnt all sort of things about spirit since Adrian arrived at the Academy. We’ve researched them together. Healing is just the tip of the iceberg. Why would I give it up? Why should _I_ be the only Moroi without magic? I stopped taking my medication when Mason died. I knew then that I needed to get better without it. I _need_ to be useful. In what other way can I be useful?” she snarled.

“I never noticed before, because you were using spirit in such small doses,” Christian said to himself. “What else did you learn? Did you learn how to make the depressive side-effects go away too? Or are you hiding other things from me? Did you at least tell Rose that you stopped taking your anti-depressants?”

Lissa narrowed her eyes. “Only Adrian knows. Only he can relate to me. He knows how terrible it is to lock the magic away. We _need_ to be able to reach it. It’s a part of our essence. If I didn’t have spirit then I would be nothing. I would be worthless. You don’t understand. You can use your magic whenever and wherever. Rose doesn’t understand either. She doesn’t have magic. It’s worth it. The depression is worth the high, the euphoria. Not that it matters. I haven’t been depressed for months. _I’m_ in control.”

Christian ran a hand through his hair, a nervous look on his face. Lissa paced in front of him like a caged animal. The whole time she wore a venomous look so unlike the usual friendly smile she wore that my skin itched. I dipped into the bond and let out a groan of pain. There was something twisted and nasty inside Lissa. It was corrupting her thoughts and her mind. She might have looked in control on the surface, but her mind was a minefield of volatile emotions.

“I don’t believe you. Why should I? You lied to me about stopping the medication. Why would you tell the truth now?” he retorted. I could see the hurt in his eyes. She hadn’t trusted him and that killed him the most. “You know what, screw this. It’s your life. If you want to muck it up, then go ahead. Just do me a favour and don’t drag Rose down with you.”

Shock hit Lissa’s face, replaced immediately by furious jealousy. “Don’t act like you care about Rose,” she spat at him.

Christian snorted. “Of course I care about her. She’s saved my life more times than I can count. I respect her and her crazy dream to be your guardian. Scratch that, her crazy dream to be a guardian full stop. If you start using that black magic around her, she’s the one who will catch the brunt of it. She’ll be punished, the same way she always is. Remember the days before you ran away? I do. If you really cared about Rose then you’d stop with the madness.”

“If you want madness, I’ll give it to you,” Lissa replied in a deathly quiet voice.

Christian froze and his face twisted into a terrified mask. His jaw dropped open and a piercing scream shattered the quiet of the forest. His hands clawed at his face, leaving scratch marks down his cheeks where he dragged his fingernails down. I watched in horror, unable to stop Lissa from turning into a monster. She had gone beyond reason into a realm where lunacy ruled.

As the magic coiled around Christian, the darkness it created began to sink deeper into Lissa’s mind and soul. The corrupt way Lissa was using spirit had increased the negative side-effects tenfold. I knew nothing of what she was doing, only that it went against the nature of spirit. I shuddered with nausea, feeling cold and clammy all over.

Christian suddenly dropped to the ground. Lissa spared him one more contemptuous look, and then disappeared towards the school campus. The sick feeling never left me and I was torn between following Lissa and checking on Christian. Seeing as I couldn’t move very far, I headed towards Christian’s still body.

“Christian?” I questioned softly. His eyes fluttered open, glazed over with leftover fear and panic over whatever Lissa had made him see. “It’s Rose.”

“Rose,” he croaked. “Lissa. There’s something wrong with her.”

“I know.” I pulled him into a sitting position. “She’s been using spirit for the past few months without us knowing. I understand. There’s something else I’ve come to understand too.”

Lissa had stopped using her medication when Mason had died. I had been plagued by madness and dark thoughts ever since his death. I had put it down to grief, but the moods had persisted and even got worse. Having seen the effect using large amounts of spirit had on Lissa firsthand, I had a sneaking suspicion that it was connected to my mood swings. I could feel it now, tickling at the back of my mind. The dark psychosis belonged to Lissa, but my desire to protect her was pulling it closer to me. I pulled up a mental block and focused on Christian.

“What? What is it?” Christian said hoarsely.

“I think I’ve been siphoning of the negative effects of spirit,” I whispered. “I can see it now. Whenever Lissa uses spirit, there is a pay-off. Usually it’s just a low after the high, but overtime that becomes depression. I take that depression away from her. It explains my mood swings. Remember when Lissa healed me after you burned my cheek? I flipped out irrationally right after she had used it.”

Christian nodded his understanding, his throat clearly too sore for him to elaborate. I took a deep breath and continued. “Whatever Lissa did today is much worse than that desperate low. It’s a cruel madness that’s changing who she is. It’s like a disease. I can feel it now through the bond and the only way Lissa can be rid of it is if I take it from her.”

His eyes widened in horror. He tried to speak but I stopped him. “I need to help her. She doesn’t understand the consequences of corrupting spirit’s power. I don’t think she even fully understands the consequences of using spirit to heal a little cut. If I take the dark rage from her then I can use anti-depressants to stop it. The only problem is that I’ll be irrational and furious. You’ll get the brunt of it. I need you to understand so that we can get help.”

“You’re planning on saving Eddie and Adrian,” Christian guessed.

“I do, but I need to be sane to do it. At the same time, I can’t leave Lissa like this.” I glanced up at the sun. It was still early morning, but that didn’t mean we had time to spare. “You know where Lissa keeps her medication. Can you make sure I get it? You can even kick me if I don’t co-operate.”

He nodded and I let out the breath I was holding. I turned my focus onto the bond, opening it up wider than I ever had before. The madness hit me hard quicker than I anticipated. It was like it had been waiting for me on the other side of the bond. I felt a moment of relief that Lissa was free from the desperation that plagued her. The only problem was that it was now in me.

I remembered Adrian and Eddie. I remembered the way Lissa had said they were gone, like they were irretrievable. I turned on Christian. He had been there. He hadn’t stopped them. He had hidden behind Lissa and let her do the defending. He had their blood on his hands. I wouldn’t let that go. Not now, not ever.

I grabbed hold of the front of Christian’s shirt and dragged him up onto his feet, all injuries forgotten as adrenaline pounded around my body. His teeth were gritted in determination and I dimly remembered telling him to use any means necessary. That voice of reason was drowned out by the larger need to hurt somebody. I needed to get this anger out of my body.

I didn’t get far in my plans. Christian fought back with everything he had. He somehow managed to throw me backwards. This gave him enough room to throw up a wall of flames between us. I growled in frustration, searching for some way through the boundary.

“You need to get to Lissa’s room, Rose!” he yelled over the fire. “I know you’re still in there somewhere. This is not you. I know why you’re angry and if you really want to help Lissa, Eddie and Adrian then you need to fight this with everything you have. Please, Rose. Forget about me and focus on something worth fighting for.”

His words resonated in my head, but they didn’t matter. I found a gap in the flames and threw myself at him. Christian had his arms outstretched as if expecting my assault. His hands gripped my forearms tightly. A scream of agony escaped my throat as he used his magic to hurt me. The smell of burning flesh blended into the air and I cried, my knees buckling from the pain.

Christian didn’t let go and the longer the pain went on, the more my head cleared. My own very real fear and panic overrode the magic-induced rage from before. The burns on my arm stung and reminded me who I was. For a moment I was me. I was Rose Hathaway. I was a scared teenager who didn’t know how to fight an enemy that was inside her head. Bile rose in the back of my throat as Christian finally let go of my arms. I glimpsed the red sore skin, flayed off by the flames.

“You need to get the medication while you’re thinking straight,” Christian said in a matter-of-fact voice, like he hadn’t just caused damage to my arms. “You go to Lissa’s room and I’ll go to Lissa. After that we’ll try to convince the guardians to launch a rescue. Until then you’re of no use to me. Go.”

He pulled me onto my feet. The adrenaline that had been fuelling my actions before had faded. I felt empty. Christian gently pushed in me the right direction and then he was gone. I looked down at my fresh wounds to remind myself what I was fighting for. The burns were raw, but the pain wouldn’t last forever. I needed something more substantial to push the irrational anger away.

I started on a slow jog towards the Moroi dormitories. The damage caused only hours before remained. It seemed that nobody had the energy to confront the dead bodies that littered the campus in their huge numbers. It made sense. The Academy needed to get the wards back up so we would be protected the next time the sun went down. There would be no more mistakes.

The other thing missing from the campus grounds was the living. Not one student passed me by. I figured they had taken refuge somewhere, comforting one another. I wondered if I could ever reclaim that naive innocence. I doubted it. I even doubted that the students were completely free from the changes this attack would no doubt cause. Life between the Moroi and dhampirs would never be the same again.

I reached the Moroi dormitories in record time and found the building empty. Wherever the students and staff were recuperating it wasn’t here. I moved upstairs without interrogation and found Lissa’s prescription drawer. It shocked me how many unopened bottles of anti-depressants were stashed here. Trying not to feel angry at Lissa for hiding the truth from me, I grabbed a few bottles. I took time out to take two pills and check my reflection in the mirror.

I looked terrible. Blood had dried in my hair and on my face. Some of it was my own, but most of it belonged to those I had killed or tried to save. My shoulder wound was the worst I had gotten. The fabric of my shirt had become embedded in the gash. I pulled it free in one yank, wincing as fresh blood leaked down my arm. I grabbed one of Lissa’s wash towels and cleaned myself up, focusing on the cuts. In theory I was letting the pills take hold. In reality I was taking time out to regain composure. For the second time this year my world had been turned upside down.

A cool, calm had settled over me. I knew what I had to do. I also knew what the outcome would be. I didn’t care. Something Christian had said to Lissa had struck a chord in me. He thought I was crazy for wanting to be a guardian and I was beginning to see why. That didn’t matter right now. I owed Adrian and Eddie. I would bring them back alive no matter what.

I decided to pass by the medical clinic in case Lissa had dropped-in there. I wanted to check on her. Along the way I found shaken students, most of them Moroi. The dhampirs all wore grim looks. A few of the older dhampir students were a little battered. None of them looked as bad as I did. I gained a lot of attention, some of it good but most of it shocked. I probably looked dangerous and it didn’t surprise me when people started to back away.

The next corridor I took was empty. I had almost gotten to the next turn when I heard heated voices coming from one of the classrooms. I recognised Christian’s arrogant drawl and entered without knocking. It was Lissa he was talking to. Both of them glanced at me once as I strode in.

“I already told you that I’m sorry. What more do you want from me?” Lissa asked in a pleading voice. Tear-tracks stained her cheeks and more tears threatened to fall. “I am so sorry about what I did to you, Christian. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“You know something, Lissa. I could forgive you if the bad side-effects of the magic had just hit out of nowhere, but you _knew_ about the consequences of using spirit. Despite that you still decided that it was better if you didn’t take your anti-depressants. _That’s_ the part I can’t get over. Maybe you acted out because madness took hold, but when you decided to stop with the pills you were perfectly sane.”

Lissa swallowed convulsively. “The pills weren’t working like they used to. I decided it was better to stop and learn how to stop the darkness of spirit on my own.”

Christian snorted. “What about the high of using spirit?”

“I admit that I missed it, but I would have given it all up forever if I knew what it would lead to,” Lissa answered in a soft voice. “You mean more to me than being able to use spirit.”

“It sure didn’t feel like it when you turned on me. I bet Rose would agree with me. She’s been getting the brunt of your little experiment. Isn’t that right, Rose?” he sent his last question in my direction. I got the feeling that Lissa didn’t know her dark moods had been passing over to me. I scowled at Christian and shook my head. “Since she won’t tell you, I will. Rose has been taking the darkness and depression from you. If you’d thought long and hard about it, maybe you would have figured it out.”

“Christian,” I growled in warning. “Shut your big mouth.”                        

Lissa’s eyes had gone very wide. I hated the way Christian was picking her apart. He knew damn well she hadn’t been herself when she’d attacked him, but he was punishing her for it regardless. I moved towards her, but Lissa backed away.

“Please tell me what Christian means,” she whispered quietly.

“Whenever you got mad, angry or upset, I willed it away. What I didn’t realise was that I when I did that, I took the pain you were feeling onboard. It was hard to tell for a long time since I was grieving. When you used spirit against another person I could see how your mood changed. I realised then that I had been taking away your bad feelings,” I answered. “I’m sorry Lissa.”

“See what sort of consequences you’ve been causing without even knowing it,” Christian interjected sourly. “We were all sitting together trying to figure out what had gotten into Rose when the whole time it was your magic. We blamed her and shunned her. If we hadn’t caught onto this then things could have gotten worse.”

“Christian,” Lissa said weakly. I could see the hurt shining in her eyes, but this had been caused by Christian. I hated him for what he was doing to her. “I am so sor- “

“I’m sorry too, Liss. I need time to myself. You just think about what we told you,” Christian interrupted. He turned and let the door slam shut behind him.

“Lissa,” I began, but she left before I could finish.

I didn’t expect to find Christian when I left the room, but he stood there waiting expectantly. I sent a dirty look in his direction, but he ignored it. Without saying a word, we headed off to the guardian’s headquarters.

“You didn’t need to be so hard on her.”

Christian shrugged. “You didn’t see the things she put in my head. It’s hard to be forgiving.”

I didn’t push for more details. “You’re planning on coming with me, right?” He nodded. “We’ll need to be convincing.”

“You think I don’t know. Chances are they’ll lock us in a dormitory somewhere. We’ve not exactly acted honestly in the past,” Christian replied. “Do you think they’ll take your word for it?”

“Maybe. I predicted the arrival of the Strigoi. Who knows what sort of respect I’ve earned?” We both snorted at the same time. “Who are we kidding? They won’t go looking for the hostages. It goes against everything that this society is built upon. We’re going to have to focus on Plan B. Got any ideas?”

We had reached the guardian’s temporary hub of action. I could hear agitated voices on the other side of the door. Now that I was here, I wasn’t quite sure what I planned on doing. Christian waited patiently beside me.

“If this goes badly then I have a few tricks up my sleeves,” he announced. “Just make sure they believe you when you say you’ll back off if it does go wrong.”

I nodded and swung the door open, coming face-to-face with none other than Janine Hathaway.


	9. Underdog

**Nine** : Underdog

“Underdog just look at the mess you’ve made; It’s such a shame we had to find out this way.”

_You Me At Six ****_

* * *

Janine Hathaway didn’t do surprised. Unless her daughter sauntered up to a top-secret meeting covered in an assortment of injuries. Her eyes went wide as she took in my dishevelled appearance. I shrugged and tried to squeeze past through the crack in the doorway, but found my way barred by her body. She had recovered her senses faster than I’d anticipated. She critically surveyed me one last time.

“You just can’t help it, can you?” she muttered. “You see trouble and head towards it like a moth to flame. You’re lucky that you can still stand.”

“Nice to see you too, Mom.” I shuffled from one foot to the other, watching the sun in the sky behind me. Daylight was running out. I didn’t have time for lectures. “Could you stop with the chit-chat and start with the opening of doors? We’re losing sunlight here.”

“I know,” Janine replied curtly.

I cursed mentally. She didn’t want me to get into the meeting, which meant one thing: I wouldn’t agree with whatever was happening in there. I thought about Eddie and Adrian. I wouldn’t let them become Strigoi fodder. I could only see two ways this confrontation ending and neither of them saw me sitting idle.

I didn’t have to speak. My thoughts were written clearly all over my face. Janine frowned, but didn’t move. Her role here was to act as an obstacle. She’d done a good job so far. I sent a plaintive look to Christian who shrugged. This task had already been delegated to me. I think the Fire-starter had forgotten I do better things with my fists.

“Mom – “ I began.

With a shake of her head, she stopped my words. “I know what you’re going to say. You want to go in there and demand a rescue operation. I understand. What you seem to be forgetting is that we live in a world where hiding is number one on the list of priorities. This society does not _do_ confrontation,” she cut herself off, sighing in frustration. “We need to focus our _very_ _limited_ resources on guarding those who survived the first wave. Who knows what is coming our way tomorrow?”

“My guess is nothing. I don’t know if you noticed, but this was a very opportunistic moment for the Strigoi. Sure, whatever, they were in a large number. That’s a puzzle for another day. Think about the circumstances surrounding the attack. Did they bring down the wards? No. Some crackpot idiot students did. That happened by chance. They won’t attack tomorrow. The wards are stronger than ever. What we need to do is save those taken, because after tonight they will be dead or worse, Strigoi. If you just let me see Alberta then she could make the others come to their senses.”

With a furtive glance behind, my mother stepped out of the room completely so the door shut us out. “You don’t have friends in high places, Rose. You go in there guns blazing and they’ll take you out like a light,” Janine responded in a soft voice. “Your past tells those guardians just exactly how reckless you are. This mission of yours is the most reckless of all. You won’t make it out alive. I’m just sparing you the humiliation the other guardians will bring down on you.”

“Forget humiliation. I don’t care what they think about me. What matters right now is that we don’t leave the hostages to the Strigoi. I can find their hideout. I think I’m starting to understand my bond to Lissa a little better. We’ll have daylight on our side. Can’t you see this will work out,” I finished, unable to hide my frustration from her.

“You have no voice. The sooner you learn that, the better.”

Janine Hathaway sent a cold look at both Christian and me, before returning to the very important meetings going on behind closed doors. I heard a bolt get pulled home, cementing our place on the other side of the door. The message was clear. We were not to be a part of whatever happened throughout the rest of the night. I teetered on the balls of my feet, trying to come up with a quick fix.

“I don’t think banging the door down is going to help,” Christian said sardonically, interrupting my thoughts. “You know, I didn’t like the guy, but Dimitri could have been a really good help right now. He would have made them see sense and fought our corner for us.”

A sharp stab of pain broke through the drug haze that had settled over me. The last thing I wanted to do right now was think about Dimitri, but there was logic in what Christian had said. Dimitri had always trusted me, right up until he hitched up with Tasha Ozera. He never made me feel like I knew less than him or that I was inferior because I was a student. He listened with an open-mind, unlike the school guardians and whoever else they had hauled in from the local towns.

“Ow,” I breathed out. I uncurled my hands when I realised how tightly I had fisted them up. Little tracks of blood dripped onto the floor. The stains made me put things into perspective. The guardians might have to abide by societal laws, but I didn’t. As my mother had put it, I didn’t have a voice. I would have to give myself one and make the rules up as I went. “You want to do a little recruiting around the school?” I asked Christian quietly.

He nodded once, a wary look in his eyes. “What were you thinking? I mean, it’s not like we can ask the elementary campus to offer up kids to fight for us. You must have some sort of _reasonable_ plan in mind.”

“As reasonable as I can get,” I offered. “We can’t fight the Strigoi. We’ll always be outnumbered. What we can do is out-strategise them. We need to use our small number to our advantage. I’m thinking we bring a little sun to the Strigoi. If there’s one thing I won’t do, it’s let Eddie and Adrian die without hope.”

“I can bring the offensive magic to the party. What do you have to offer?” Christian asked as we jogged off to the dormitories.

“I can probably get some senior dhampirs to tag along. If I pull this off as planned, then we won’t need to go into the Strigoi hidey-hole. We’ll be outside in the sunlight. If things turn sour we’ll need some muscle to hold the fort while the Moroi flee. I wonder if we can get some guardians on side,” I mused aloud. “There has to be a few of them who feel the same way we do.”

We came to a halt as we reached the cafeteria. Most of the students had decided to stick with the rest of the school body. I didn’t blame them. I couldn’t imagine spending time alone for weeks to come. Images from yesterday kept trying to force their way to my consciousness. The drugs numbed the majority of my grief, but that didn’t mean I could switch off my thoughts. They still plagued me with worry.

“My motley crew of Moroi should be in here,” Christian interjected. “Knowing them, they’re probably plotting in a corner somewhere. I’ll do a quick sweep around the room to try and gather as many of them as possible. I don’t think all of them will agree to the task, but a good few definitely will.” Christian started off towards the crowds, but stopped to face me with a serious expression on his face. “You will take care of them, won’t you? I don’t want more people to die because we’re inexperienced and foolhardy.”

I looked at the grave expression on his face. The Christian I was more familiar with dealing with had disappeared. I mulled his words over for a moment. I didn’t want to go racing towards danger without considering everything, but at the same time I knew that we could do this. It would be worth it. I couldn’t promise him that everything would go off without a hitch, but fundamentally my idea would keep any volunteers out of harm’s way. If the volunteers trusted in me, we would make it back in one piece. We could even make it back with survivors.

“I would lay down my life for those who would help us, Christian. As long as they listen to me, they’ll make it back to the Academy. Even if you can’t convince anyone else to tag along, I’ll still be heading out. This is important to me,” I answered in a measured voice. Christian nodded.

“That’s what I thought.”

He disappeared into the throng of students and I moved off to find some familiar faces. I hadn’t moved more than two feet when a group of dhampirs swarmed in on me. They wore solemn expressions and something told me I wouldn’t have difficulty finding people who wanted to rescue the hostages. The problem would be turning inexperienced dhampirs away from my almost-kamikaze mission.

“We want in on whatever you’re planning, Hathaway. They took my sister,” the nearest dhampir to me stated clearly. He left little room for misunderstanding. He had decided to come along and nothing I said would make him change his mind. It was all a matter of whether he came with my group or left on his own. “I won’t leave her.”

I inclined my head to the others, who all offered similar stories. A boyfriend who had been snatched in front of witnesses, a younger brother or sister who had gotten scared and wandered off, best friends, crushes, cousins. Those who had been taken meant a great deal to these dhampirs, but they were worthless in the grand scheme of Moroi-dhampir life. More frightening than that was the realisation that these teenagers saw me as a beacon of hope.

I didn’t deserve their awe and I certainly didn’t deserve their respect. It would likely lead to them getting killed.

“Rose.”

Christian had returned with a rather sizeable group of Moroi. They ranged in ages, with a few of them looking no older than elementary campus kids. A peppy girl with eyes the same shade as Lissa’s openly stared at my bruises like they were badges of honour. I squirmed under her intense gaze and beckoned Christian to my side. He came willingly, smirking at my discomfort.

“Where did you find these kids?” I hissed at him.

“Don’t call them kids. They’ll tear you to pieces in minutes,” Christian hissed back, skirting around my question. I levelled a steely gaze at him until he relented. “I’ve been training them.”

“In what? They look like members of a glee club.” I closed my eyes and squeezed the bridge of my nose to try and relieve a headache that had come on. “You told me to watch out for the volunteers, but how am I supposed to do a good job when they _all_ need protecting? I can’t keep an eye on these – “ I searched for an appropriate description. “Moroi,” I settled on.

“I’ve been teaching them how to use offensive magic to protect themselves and aid their guardians, if they ever get assigned a guardian. Most of these Moroi are from non-Royal families and don’t have a chance of getting assigned even _one_ guardian. When they heard about Tasha’s campaign a few of them came to see me. We started training in secret. These are the best offensive magic-users in the school. I know a few of them are young, but your promised there would be no hand-to-hand fighting, just subterfuge. If that’s all you need them for, they’ll be fine,” Christian retorted.

I looked at the girl with jade green eyes. She reminded me so much of a younger Lissa that it hurt. I wanted to protect this girl, not throw her out to act as a Strigoi distraction. She returned my stare with an earnest smile, and I sighed.

“What’s your name?” I asked her.

“Jill Mastrano,” she stuttered in reply.

“Element?” I continued.

“Water. I can use water,” she said more firmly. “Christian’s been showing us how to use magic to protect ourselves and those around us. I know I’m young,” she added with more confidence. “I won’t pretend otherwise, but I want to fight. When the guardians refused to teach me how to punch, I asked Christian to teach me how to use my gift. I found friends through this group. Some of them were taken. Please, Miss Hathaway,” she pleaded. “Let me come along.”

Her eyes were watery and I couldn’t shake the ghost of Lissa from my mind. She had been Jill’s age once. She had been this innocent and trusting. Now look at her. She lied to her friends and practised dark spirit behind our backs. She had a madness in her mind that she couldn’t shake. I didn’t want to be the one to take Jill Mastrano’s innocence away. I didn’t want to show these Moroi what the real world looked like. It was ugly.

“You won’t be the person to ruin their naivety,” Christian whispered into my ear. “The Strigoi have already seen to it. The guardians will make matters worse when they show these students that they won’t rescue hostages. In my opinion that makes them seem flawed and weak. This world is being shaken up whether its occupants what that to happen or not. You didn’t cause this, but you can make things better by showing them they can make a difference. I trust these Moroi. I know what they can do.”

With a shake of my head, I turned to Christian. “You sound too peppy and keen. If you keep making speeches like that they’ll have you up on stage preaching to the masses. If you think they can handle this, I believe you.”

Jill beamed at her friends. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that had settled on my shoulders. I searched for a shred of resilience and turned to find a secluded part of the Academy so we could talk without being overheard. The first hurdle we had to overcome would be getting out of campus. I estimated that there were about fifty people in our group. It would be tricky getting them out of the Academy unnoticed.

Once they were all settled into an empty classroom, I began explaining. “You already know that the Strigoi have taken hostages with them on their way out of the Academy. There’s only one reason why they would. A few captives have probably already died. Two of my friends were taken. Until I have found out their fate, I won’t rest. I’m planning on going to find these Strigoi, but not for an all-out assault. We don’t have the numbers for that. We need to go to this hideout with a sneakier plan.”

The Moroi hung on to every last one of my words. The dhampirs weren’t so easily worn over. Some of them wore looks of derision. I knew they wanted to rush over guns blazing, but that kind of thinking would get them killed. We were no army.

“I read in an old wartime book that small numbers can overwhelm forces much larger than itself if they can pick off their opponent without detection,” I continued, hoping they would swallow the lie. “It’s similar to David and Goliath. The Strigoi live in the confidence that no-one would ever take them on. We need to manipulate their faith and make sure it’s wrongly placed.”

“How do we do that if we won’t face them head on?” a dhampir my own age interrupted. “Are you suggesting we should walk through the walls and lead the hostages out under the Strigoi noses?”

“No. I’m suggesting we use what we have and they don’t,” I responded, trying to keep the bitter edge from my voice.

“Which is?” Jill asked in a timid voice.

“Magic,” I said as confidently as I could. “We have magic-users and sunlight. If we use magic to scare the Strigoi into acting rashly, we have a chance of saving people without incurring any costs. Strigoi are as terrified as fire as they are of sunlight. Wherever it is they are hiding, we can use fire to smoke them out. We’ll need water, air and earth-users too in order to make sure we’re safe. The dhampirs will be on hand to fight if the situation goes wrong.”

Chatter started spreading out amongst the assembled dhampirs and Moroi. All I could do now was pray that they believed in my plan. If they didn’t, things were about to get messy. I’d seen enough death to last a lifetime. I didn’t think I could handle seeing more if the dhampirs decided to lead their own assault.

“A sensible plan from Rosemarie Hathaway. What is the world coming to?” Christian mocked from behind.

“I guess I’m growing up,” I bit back.

“If that was true then you wouldn’t even be thinking about rescuing those hostages. You’d be doing as you were told,” Christian retorted.

Silence fell between us and I continued to watch Jill Mastrano as she talked excitedly with her friends. “She reminds me of Lissa,” I stated bluntly.

“I see it too,” Christian replied softly. “It’s the eyes.”

“Is this why you got so mad at Lissa earlier?” I asked in a quiet voice. “You see Jill and remember the person Lissa used to be, before spirit started taking over her mind and time.”

“Something like that,” Christian offered. “Mostly I got angry because she doesn’t try to protect what’s hers. All she cares about right now is getting better at using spirit. She spends all her time with Adrian at the library. I never see her and she never checks on you. When I look at Jill and all the younger Moroi, I see how life is supposed to be. At least, how life should be for normal teenagers.”

“You’re not normal, Ozera. You’re a vampire,” I shot back scornfully.

Christian sighed in response. 


End file.
